What happened???...

During the day Wednesday I did pretty well. I didn't have a lot of cramping and I was hoping what the nurse had said was true, that maybe I was just having some spotting and that's it. By 2 o'clock on Wednesday afternoon the cramps were back. By 4 o'clock the back pain had returned and I was seeing blood every time I went to the bathroom. I told Jeremy that there's no way that this pregnancy could be o.k. when I'm feeling this way. I knew by what was going on in my body that I was probably miscarrying. I also knew that getting upset or angry would not help me physically so I was just praying and asking God to help me accept his will, whatever it was. I did tell God that he told us we don't receive because we don't ask, so I'm asking straight up, please let us keep this baby, but more importantly let us accept your will. Jeremy told me he wasn't really grieving yet because the baby could be o.k., we just don't know right now. By Wednesday night I was determined to do whatever I had to do to get an ultrasound on Thursday. (The office is closed on Fridays, so if I didn't get in Thursday I'd have to wait all weekend to see the doctor) Early Thursday morning as I laid in bed the cramping became more like a stabbing pain in my abdomen. I called the doctors office as soon as they opened and talked with my doctors nurse. I think it was the same nurse from the day before. She asked me how I was feeling today and I told her cramping was much worse, bleeding was constant (though it was not thick it was always there) and she asked was I filling up a pad with blood. I wasn't, but I told her I filled one over night and the bleeding was picking up. She acted hesitant still, but I told her look, the pain feels like a knife stabbing me, I need to see a doctor. Almost reluctantly she told me the doctor could see me at 10:15. It was 9:15 at the time and the doctors office is a good 50 minutes away so we all got ready and left. I have been seeing the doctor in the town between my town and Fort Myers. I went to the front desk to sign in and the receptionist asked my name and I told her. She was looking at her computer and said "I don't have you on the schedule" I told her I had called and the nurse told me to come in. She asked me who my doctor was and when I told her she said my doctor was in the Fort Myers office today. The nurse failed to mention that... The receptionist told me I could see the doctor who was in the office today if I wanted and I told her yes, that'd be fine. I just knew in my head that this doctor was not going to care one bit about me. I felt like she'd probably just rush through the appt. because I was showing up unannounced and she didn't really have the time for me. The nurse called me back and took my BP. She asked me what was going on and I broke down telling her what I was feeling. I told her I know I'm not filling a pad with blood, but I really need to know what's going on before the weekend. She handed me some tissues and told me it would be o.k. When the doctor came in to do my ultrasound she was this tiny petite lady. She shook my hand and told me she wanted to see how much bleeding I was having and then she'd do an ultrasound. She looked at my cervix and said it was closed tight (which at the time gave me a little hope) Then she did the ultrasound. Jeremy said later that he could tell the baby's heart was not beating right away. The doctor zoomed in on the sac and looked again. She explained to me that she was trying to look as close as she could because she didn't see a heartbeat. When she said that I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I pretty much knew in my heart that the baby was gone, but now I had confirmation. She said the placenta had already started to pull away from the uterine wall and there was some blood behind it which is why I was bleeding. She asked me about the nurse who told me I didn't need to come in unless I was filling a pad every one to two hours. She actually asked for her name and told me she planned on having a talk with her because she was a little misinformed. She said any pregnant woman with any amount of bleeding should come in and have an ultrasound to make sure everything is o.k. She said the one pad an hour is something you'd need to go to the emergency room for. We talked about whether I wanted to have a d&c (she said I could have it the next day) but I told her I'd rather go ahead and try to let this happen naturally. She said she could give me some medicine to help speed it up and I said yes, I'll take that. Then she said "oh! you're handling this so well I almost forgot to tell you something that I tell every woman who miscarries"  

"It's not your fault that this happened"

I told her about Jakob and that we weren't even supposed to be able to get pregnant on our own so I know that I have no control over anything. I told her that I've been grieving for the past few days at home so I was sorta prepared for this. I was glad she said it's not our fault though because the night before Jeremy asked if I thought there was anything we could have done to prevent this. The answer is no. I don't know what God is doing in our lives. I don't know why he chose to give us a baby, a miracle, and then take it away. Some people looking on might say that that would be a cruel thing to do, but I know God is still good. No matter what situation happens in my life God is good. I just hope that I can have a right attitude through this whole thing because God really does know best. Our hearts are hurting. We are sad, yet there's a peace that I have that even though the tears come sometimes I know I can trust my Heavenly Father and his plan. I am so thankful that even in this situation he has shown me his hand at work in little things. The doctor I met yesterday was so nice. I'm so glad that she was the one to deliver the news to us and explain everything to us. It was a fluke that we saw her and yet a small gift from God. When we got home yesterday Jakob sat down to watch a baby einstein video (he picked it out) and was saying all kinds of words like tractor, farm, windmill. It made my heart so happy to know that he's ok. I'm so thankful to have a healthy, happy baby boy. Yes I am sad about the child that is not to be, but I know that if God wants us to have another baby it will happen, if not I know he will give me the grace and strength to accept his will for my life. Last night was hard. I think, no, I know that was the most painful experience I've ever been through in my life. I didn't have many labor pains with Jakob because as soon as I started having contractions my doctor gave me an epidural. So last night I experienced a bit of what labor feels like. It sucked! I woke up at 2 this morning and was having pain so bad I almost passed out in the floor. My heart started racing, I broke into a cold sweat. All I could do was sit and wait for it to pass, but I knew I could go through this because it's God's will for me. I appreciate all the prayers and kind words you've all sent. Thank-you to all of you who've been open to sharing your pain and experiences with me. I don't know if we'll every understand here on earth why we go through the things we go through, but I know God loves us and he will be with us every step of the way.