Hey Jude!

When I first found out we were not gonna get pregnant the easy way I started receiving Conceive Magazine. In Conceive there was a woman named Heather who had tried IVF a few times, and couldn't get pregnant, so her sister-in-law (her brothers wife) volunteered to be a surrogate for her. Heather started blogging about "baby Jude" and her wonderful sister-in-law. Well, I'm so happy to say that baby Jude was born on Feb. 23rd, a very good day (my birthday!) and he weighed 10 lbs. 10 oz. He's absolutely adorable. If you'd like to see this chubby guy just go over to the blog "Helton baby surrogacy success" I'm so happy for Heather and her hubby.

It's good to remember...

It's funny how women always tell you that once you conceive your child all the heartache and pain of infertility is just forgotten. I read that on many blogs, and I've known a few people who I thought would be able to sympathize with me because they've been through the same feelings and emotions and yet, they seemingly have forgotten what it was like. As I progress in this pregnancy sometimes I just feel like my struggle was lifetimes away. Other times I feel as though it was just yesterday. When I read about women who are trying and longing for a baby I recognize all the feelings that they are having, and I remember it was not too long ago I was having the same feelings. When I'm sitting around at work, or at home, and I feel this little flutter in my stomach, something no one else can know about but me, a secret between me and my little one I feel like I've been pregnant, or had this little baby forever. All my life I wanted to be a mother, there was never any question about that. I never wanted to be a career woman, my career was to raise children who were loving and caring and grew up to know and serve the Lord. In my heart I've always been a mom, I've just been waiting around for a physical child. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that God has given us this miracle. My mom would always encourage me in saying "when you have a baby you will know it is THE baby God meant for you to have, and it will be the right time, you'll know it." I used to just kinda roll my eyes in my heart and agree with her, thinking that she really had no idea what I was going through. She really didn't know, but God gave her the words when I needed them. I needed someone who loved me unconditionally to tell me when I was feeling sorry for myself, or when I needed to give my hurt and frustration over to the Lord. Now, looking back, I don't believe that I'd change my journey at all. Yes, it has been heartbreaking at times. I don't believe that there is a more innate desire, or a more God given desire than the desire to be a mother. My story, from beginning till now took about 3 years, but my desire for a child has been life long. To some 3 years may sound like nothing, and I recognize that some women wait 10 years, or more, but to me in my situation it seemed like forever. You have so many thoughts and feelings, and infertility never leaves your mind. You may not talk about it all the time, but you're constantly thinking about it. Through all of this, I've had to learn to lean on God. I'm not saying I always trusted him like I should, I'm human, and it's impossible to do so. I did come to the place though, where I realized God is in control. His ways are not our ways, neither are our thoughts his thoughts. God knew what he was working in my life, even though I didn't understand. I came to know God in a more intimate way. He was not only the God who did great things for my friends, and people I hear about, but he is the God that did a great thing in my life. A great thing that no one, not even the greatest, most skilled doctor in the world could do for me. My relationship with my husband has been strengthened also. There's been many nights that Jeremy just sat with me as I cried, and asked why, and wondered at the way my life had turned out. He started out very nervous about having a child. It is a great responsibility to take on. If we hadn't had our problems getting pregnant, I don't think he ever would have felt truly ready to have a baby. Now, he's just so excited, we are so happy to have a little person who is part me and part him. This child will not be the center of our marriage. Our love is the center of our marriage, and it has kept us through a lot of tough times. This child will be a result of our love. Alot of sacrifice on both our parts has gone into conceiving this child, and I hope we don't ever take for granted what God has given us. I want to make sure to always take time to look back, to remember. I don't want to forget the pain of infertility, because I know God will use it in my life in some way, and I want to be available for His use. I know that waiting is hard, in any situation, not just in infertility, but we have to remember that God has a plan. It's hard to let go of the reins and just let God have control, but we need to remember that his way is best. (go ahead and roll your eyes, but later you will do just as I have done and look back and agree) :) Thank-you God for all you've done in my life, and for being with me each step of the way!

This is your Journey...

When you're standing by the grave side, of a loved one, you've just had to say good-bye, When that child you've tried to lead to God has gone astray, and you're so broken inside, When the doctor says I'm sorry, I've done everything I can do, We must trust the Savior's plan, HE sees alot more than we can, HIS hand will lead us through HE may take you through the wilderness, so barren and alone, And there may be some heartaches, on the road you're traveling on, We must keep on moving, there's no place to turn around, HIS grace will make you strong, This could be the final mountain, that you will have to climb, A celebration will be waiting, When you reach the other side, Be not weary on the journey, for the precious hand of God will lead you home When a friend that you have trusted, for so many years has let you down, you feel betrayed, And the more your heart is aching the more it seems, God didn't hear the prayers you prayed, As you stand and watch your life long dreams, crumble at your feet, with nothing you can do, You will have the Savior's plan, HE sees alot more than we can, HIS grace will guide you through, Jesus said there would be trouble, and this you can count on, But be faithful to the cause, you'll never walk alone... HE may take you through the wilderness, so barren and alone, And there may be some heartaches, on the road you're traveling on, We must keep on moving, there's no place to turn around, HIS grace will make you strong, This could be the final mountain, that you will have to climb, A celebration will be waiting, When you reach the other side, Be not weary on the journey, for the precious hand of God will lead you home

Baby bump...this is for you Shelly

So, here is a picture of my belly at 5 weeks, right after we found out that we were pregnant. I've never had a really flat stomach, but that was au-natural. The second picture was taken last week, and there is a little bit of a difference in the tummy area. Other areas are getting bigger too. I'd rather not point out those areas that I already hate, and just pretend they're not there. :) Anyways, alot of my morning sickness is gone now. The other day I actually thought I might get through brushing my teeth without gagging and then throwing up, but then I hit that special spot, and it was all over. (The special spot is not a specific place, I think it changes from day to day) Brushing is getting easier though. On Monday I woke up with the most horrible headache, I guess you'd call it a migrane, because my head hurt when I heard sound, when I saw light, it was so painful. My nose has been really stopped up, which they said has to do with hormones, and I guess that's why I had a headache. I am pretty sure that I am feeling the baby moving around every now and then. I started feeling it last week just like a little flutter, but I wasn't sure because I thought it was too early. On Wednesday Mrs. Sharon Skrabacz told me that you can feel the baby move around 12 weeks. Now I am more aware, and waiting to feel those little feelings. Jeremy wants to feel it so badly, I can't wait till the baby is big enough for him to feel it move. The other day he put his hand on my stomach, and I guess my stomach grumbled or something and he was so sure he felt the baby move. Poor guy. My husband is the type who rips into Christmas presents the first chance he gets, this waiting process is more difficult for him than he expected. He's cute though. Well, my mom said that since I got pregnant I'm a bad blogger, it's mostly because I'm really tired, and have felt pretty sick since I've been pregnant. I am going to try to improve my blogging skills shortly.Today we're having a cookout at my mom's for Abigails birthday. She just turned 7 on Tuesday. I cannot believe my baby sister is seven. She was born 4 days before my 18th birthday, which only reminds me that I'm getting older too. I'll post some pictures of the party later. Hope you all have a great weekend!!! Love, -Me

A day off...

I have to say that I am so excited that tomorrow is a holiday!!! My hubby finished up his last weekend of "special opportunity hunts" today. I made it through o.k., but I sure am glad it's over! I didn't have one day of a break down this time, I kinda just had random break downs throughout the three weeks, which of course I blame on hormones. The other day I called Jeremy bawling to tell him something, he asked me what was wrong, and I said I couldn't talk about it right now. When I talked to him later, he asked what was wrong earlier, and I told him,(which was basically nothing at all) and he said "don't do that to me anymore, I thought something was wrong with you and I worried all day." I told him that he's gonna have to excuse the crying spells and just remember that I am very hormonal right now. I wrote him a valentines card on Friday and just bawled the whole time. He is being very understanding and even more thoughtful than usual, which just makes me appreciate and love him even more. Well, I don't know what's on the agenda for tomorrow yet, but I'm gonna enjoy not having to go to work and the thought of a short week. (lately I have had a much shorter tolerance level with my kiddos, and I feel bad about it, but at this point I just don't think it can be helped. I love 'em, but they're driving me nuts!) Hope you all have a great week! Love, -Me

First Appointment....

My appointment yesterday with Dr. Hennessey (my ob) went well. They had an emergency, so we actually sat in the reception area for about an hour after our appointment time. I later heard them talking about a woman who had a miscarriage, and assume that's what the wait was for. (I am gonna try really hard not to complain about waiting, at least I'm waiting to see my baby) I don't know who the woman was, but I felt very sad for her. I have to tell you something kind of funny, and show you the mindset I'm still in. I had my ultrasound first, and walked into the room, and the ultrasound tech, which was a man, was sitting on a stool. I thought, ok, I guess I'm just gonna have to undress in front of this guy, so I was just kinda standing there waiting for him to leave the room. Then he said, ok, have a seat up here... and I realized there's no more vaginal ultrasounds. Only tummy ultrasounds from here on out. It's just been so routine for the last year of my life, it's gonna take some getting used to the change. We saw our baby, and it looked like I had drank a whole bottle of Mountain Dew or something. He/She was kicking his/her feet and moving his/her arms, doing little flips in my tummy. I'm guessing because the guy was pushing on my stomach and the baby wasn't used to that. It was so neat to see. Jeremy just couldn't believe that I can't feel little one kicking around in there. I told him he's so tiny that he probablly doesn't even make ripples in there yet. (yes, I know I said he, but that's only cause it's easier, I have no preference, or intuition) Baby is measuring at 3.5 centimeters, which is about 1 1/2 inches. The heartbeat was 162 bpm. (which he said is good) They put me at 10weeks,6days, which is only one day behind what doctor Ripps told me. The due date is only one day apart. Aug. 27th, 28th. I like doctor Hennessey alot. Especially because they asked about "in depth" testing, for I guess like down syndrome and other things, and I knew I didn't want an amniocentesis, but I had no clue about the other testing. He told me point blank that alot of times those tests come back positive for no apparent reason, and it's alot of stress on the mother, and then you may choose to do an amnio, and loose your baby. He asked if we would terminate a pregnancy because the baby had a problem, and I said NO! not on any terms, and he said, then don't get the testing done. He was just very honest, and I appreciate that. He said in about three more weeks the odds of everything going "perfectly normal, and boring" are very high and I will be able to breathe easy. He's gonna try his best to get me a boring pregnancy, which I also appreciate. I'm now on a once a month schedule, so my next appointment is March 6th. I'm sure I'll find something to write about before then. Thanks for all your prayers, and encouragement. I'm so happy to share in my excitement with those of you who've been there for me. Love Always, -Me p.s. One prayer request, My friend Dana, is soon to start her IVF. Pray that everything goes well, and that she'll find her tree of life soon. (Prov. 13:12)

No more shots!!!

Last night was the first time in I don't even know how long that I went straight to bed when I was tired. I didn't have to make sure that I took all my meds. I didn't have to get a shot in my behind! I could really get used to that... :) Yes, I am officially off all my IVF medications. I was a little worried, no, more like nervous because you just quit taking it all. You don't wean yourself off, or slow down the amount you take, you just stop. I felt fine yesterday. No cramping, no nausea, I was having some major hot flashes, which could have been a result of the changing hormones...who knows. (I've stopped trying to diagnose every little feeling) Thank-you Lord that the medication phase is over with. (!!!) This morning I'm going for my first OB appointment. I will write later and let you know how it went. -Me