Courage, Contentment and Control...

I don't know why but today has seemed like such a long day, and it's only halfway over! I knew in the back of my mind that I had an appointment today. I knew the date 3/22 was branded on my brain for some reason, but I couldn't remember why. I thought maybe Jakob had an Early Steps appointment today, but he just had one last week, so I figured that wasn't it. I also remembered his interventionist said she'd call to remind me and she hadn't called, so that was a no. Around 9:00 I found a scrap of paper that said 3/22 behavioral therapist 11:00. So that's the appointment! I knew I wasn't totally crazy. Jakob's evaluation went well. This therapist was evaluating for autism, add, adhd, etc. To be totally honest I was wondering 6 months ago if maybe Jakob was slightly autistic. His attention span was so limited and it made it so hard to work with him or even know if he was learning anything we tried to teach him because he just didn't pay attention! It was discouraging and frustrating. 6 months later and the boy is totally different. People from church tell me all the time how different he is. How much he's opening up and playing with the other kids. He has finally started to mimic words that Jeremy and I say and says things like "alright!" when he throws a ball or "I do it!" when we ask him to sing or count. I was pretty sure that he isn't autistic, but this meeting was already scheduled so we went through with it. The therapist was very happy with Jakob's interaction both with her and with me. She said she had little worries for him and was very sure that with the progress he's made recently he will be exactly where he needs to be very soon.

The poor little fella is on my bed sleeping right now. He woke up 2 or 3 times last night. Seeing as how he doesn't say much we never knew what was wrong. Every time he was crying he didn't seem to be fully awake. Today he is running a temperature, so I'm wondering if it's his ears hurting him. I gave him some Tylenol and we'll see what his temp is when he wakes up. If he is up again tonight then I will call the Dr. and get his ears checked out.

 I have another Dr's appointment tomorrow morning. I keep going back and forth with whether I should go or not. I am not bleeding a lot, but my Dr had said if there was any bleeding I needed to go back in. My doctor is on vacation this week so I will be seeing someone brand new. I've still got a couple hours to make up my mind before the office closes. My appointment tomorrow is at 9:45 so I have to leave my house by 8:30 which doesn't really give me time to cancel in the morning. Thankfully I'm not dealing with the heavy cramping anymore, so I'm not in that much of a rush to get to the doctor (frankly I'm pretty sick of going to the doctor) but I don't want to put it off if they could help my body finally get over this!

Yesterday I was having a bit of a hard time... -I've always been real (maybe a little too real at times :) on this blog, and I want to be just as real in the hard times as I am in the good times.-  

I noticed that I was having a hard time reading/hearing about pregnancies, babies being born, etc. etc.It's not something I voiced out loud. It was something inside me. It was an unseen roll of my eyes (in my spirit) and a bad attitude that I didn't tell anyone, but I'm sure it was a little bit of envy and a little bit of frustration at my own circumstances. I know that attitude in my heart is wrong. In fact I actually had to stop and confess the attitude at one point and remind myself that now is not the time God has chosen to give us more children. I shouldn't have a bad attitude about my situation because it doesn't help me, in fact it hurts me because it puts a wall between me and the person I need the most right now, which of course is the Lord. I had made up my mind that I was going to church last night. It has been quite a while since I've been, and I felt like physically I was ready to get back into the real world. As the afternoon progressed I felt less and less emotionally prepared to go back. I shed a few tears and wondered if I could keep it all together. Eventually I just made up my mind that I'm going no matter what. I laid out clothes for me and Jakob as kind of a symbol that there's no turning back :) Thankfully by the time we were in the car on our way I felt much stronger and less emotional. The Pastor actually used Phil. 2:14 as a reference in his lesson last night. He explained that as Christians we are to respond to each and every circumstance in life with Courage, Contentment, and Control.

 I pray for courage and strength from the Lord quite often in my life. I am not a brave person. I am very prone to fear. Especially in the area of our infertility. There are so many questions and what if's that come along with it. Now, I hate to say it but there's even more room for fear with the possibility of another miscarriage in the future. I know that I can't fall apart when hard things come my way. You have to get through them. Thankfully I know that God can give me courage for each situation as they come and he will walk with me through the valley. 

Contentment is always something that I know I'm lacking in. I can honestly say that my heart desires contentment. Contentment in knowing that God is more than enough and I don't need anything else. I think we have so much in this country and yet we cannot find contentment because we are looking in the wrong place. My own lack contentment definitely convicted me.

Control...Control is where God put what he was already working in me earlier in the day and what the Pastor had to say all together like a great big puzzle. He stated that we needed control of our spirit as well as control of our tongues. He explained that the murmuring in Phil.2:14 was something internal. It had to do with our emotions. I knew that that was exactly what I've been dealing with. I'd been murmuring in my heart, complaining to myself about my situation and envying others around me who haven't had the trouble with conceiving, carrying or birthing a child. I was sitting there so dumbfounded and yet incredibly grateful that I heard exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. I know that I am going to have to do a lot of praying. I'm going to have to do some confessing too. Whenever my heart wants to murmur because things aren't turning out the way I want them to I'm going to have to give those feelings over to God. I have to trust him. He sees the bigger picture, and he hasn't failed me yet