Day by Day...

As I said Saturday I was feeling a whole lot better than the two days prior. One thing I am surprised about and will ask the doctor tomorrow is that I have had random cramping and discomfort and even bloating in my stomach, enough to where I have to take pain meds and lay down with my heating pad. I guess I just figured once I had taken the medication and gotten everything out of my system the pain would be over. I finally read on WebMD yesterday that there can be some discomfort after a miscarriage. I have been searching all the baby websites and books and they don't have any info about post miscarriage. Maybe everyone's experience is so different that they don't want to tell you what to expect? I don't know. I am the type of person that likes to read and find out what I'm feeling. If I am having stomach pain but I read that it is a probability then I feel better prepared to handle it. Sunday was a very hard day for me. I think just realizing that the weekend was over, Jeremy was going back to work, I'd be on my own dealing with my physical and emotional issues. I wasn't hurting as bad, so I had time to sit and think about all that has happened. Everything I saw, read, heard was about babies. Every commercial on t.v. with a sweet little baby made me bawl. It was finally hitting me that I was going to have another precious little one to love come October, but now I'm not. I cried all day Sunday. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to answer texts. I just wanted to be alone. Jeremy came home Sunday night and told me that someone from church was going to bring us food on Monday night. While I appreciated the sentiment I did not feel prepared to see anyone. It is hard to handle such raw emotion with people that I don't know all that well, ya know? Most of you who know me know if I'm upset I cannot just put on a smile or a brave face. When I am emotional you will know it. I can't hide it. Monday afternoon I got a text from a girl in my Sunday school class at church who told me of her miscarriage at 13 weeks. She lost twins. She told me basically that it is very hard and she tried to just put on a smile and act like everything was o.k. but she was in a lot of pain. Just having someone to say I know what you've been through, and I know it will take a while, but you will be o.k. helped so much. Monday night when the couple from church brought the food I was not in an emotional state to see people. I just wanted to go in my room and wait to come out until they had left, but I also didn't want to be rude. When the girl from church walked in she asked me how I was and I just broke down. I told you, I cannot hold my emotions in. She just gave me a hug and said she was so sorry. I realized later that night that was the first hug I've received since I found out the news (keep in mind I haven't gone anywhere since that day). Long story short, having people who cared enough to bring food and sit and talk about how I am feeling really helped me in my grieving process. As I said before I really do know God is in control of this situation. I know we didn't get pregnant on "accident", I know no one really does, but this pregnancy was a miracle. What God is doing, I may never know, but I know that if I can trust my soul to him I can definitely trust him with my day to day life. I guess I was taken off guard by how emotional this all made me. I didn't think that losing a baby at seven and a half weeks would upset me so much.I thought knowing God was in control would help me from feeling the pain of losing a baby. While I trust God fully, this hurts. It is painful to lose a baby. It's amazing how everywhere I look I see a pregnancy announcement, a pregnant woman or a baby. Jakob brought me my "what to expect" book the other day and said "baby" and pointed to the little baby on the back. I packed that book away for later. Lord willing we'll need it again, if not I'll give it to someone who does. Another day Jakob got the baby's ultrasound out of my drawer and brought it to me and pointed at it and said "baby" We hadn't looked at it since the day they did it, but the day they did the ultrasound we gave him the paper and told him it was his baby. Even though they tell you there's nothing you did to cause the miscarriage I still wonder if there's something I might have done. Something my body did maybe? I feel sad that we didn't even find out if this baby was a boy or a girl. I feel sad that the baby has no name, but like I said we don't even know if it was a boy or girl. I know all of this will fade as time goes on. I find myself wishing I could fast forward to the days when it doesn't hurt so much. I know time is the only thing that will help. I am so thankful for the body of Christ and the comfort that they give. I am thankful that I can trust that God is in control. I don't know how people go through this kind of stuff without faith in God