Last night...

Yesterday afternoon I started having some cramping. It was lite and I kept reminding myself that you feel all kinds of weird feelings when you are pregnant. As the day wore on the cramps got harder. By 8 o'clock last night I had a really bad back ache and the "cramp" was pretty much a steady pain in my lower stomach. Pretty much like period cramps, but they didn't really come and go, they were just steady. I went to bed early and hoped that when I woke up in the morning I would feel better. I don't know what time I actually fell asleep, the last time I remember looking at the clock it was after 11 and I was still having the pains. Around 3 in the morning I got up to go to the bathroom (sorry if this is TMI y'all!) the cramps got a little stronger when I got up and moving. When I wiped there was this maroon or mauve-ish colored goo on the toilet paper. I just couldn't believe it. I woke Jeremy up and told him that the cramps were still here and now I have some blood. Of course I was upset. I couldn't call anybody at 3 in the morning. I didn't see any sense in calling my mom or Jeremy's mom when they would just be awake and worried too. I called the doctor's office and left a message which they said would be on the top of the pile for a nurse. The nurse called me back about 30 minutes later. She said that this actually happens fairly often in the first trimester. She said around the time of your normal cycle your body makes a cyst (I guess cause you try to ovulate) but that you need the cyst there to help the pregnancy survive and I guess the cyst can cause you to pass some blood clots. I told her that made sense because at 3 when I woke up I felt a lot of pain in my ovary and thought maybe that was part of a miscarriage. She asked me if I was cramping then and I told her no. She said if I start cramping just take some tylenol. If I start bleeding or get the backache again I'm supposed to call the office and they will want to see me. Otherwise I guess they assume the pregnancy is fine and I'll go for my scheduled appointment on March 19th. As I laid in bed waiting for the doctors office to open I couldn't help but think how blessed I am to have Jakob. I know that even if something happens with this baby that God will help us to deal with it and I just thank him for giving us the gift of parenthood to a very busy 2 year old boy. Thank-you to everyone who prayed this morning. I know that I'm not in control of any of this process. I know that God gave us this baby and only he can keep it safe. I'm trying to rest in that...

We have a heartbeat...

We had our second ultra-sound yesterday and we saw a little baby and heard the little heartbeat. It was such a relief to make sure everything is o.k. The doctor said I am 6 1/2 weeks along and the u/s estimates my due date as October 13th. I was asking the doctor about headaches because I've had a headache every day for about the past 5 days. I don't like to take medication for headaches usually and especially if I don't have to while pg, but if i don't get these headaches under control when they first show up they are full blown migraines by night time. The kind of headache where sound and light makes your head pound and every step you take makes it worse. I had originally thought maybe I was just not drinking enough water, but i have been chugging water and still get the headaches. The doctor said it is common in early pregnancy and recommended I take tylenol and drink a little caffeine (something else I haven't had much of since I got a positive hpt). The doctor also told me I should get the book "what to expect when you're expecting" I guess I come off as a nervous newly pregnant woman, but hey, I've been through this once and found out that things don't always go picture perfect so I will ask all the questions I want.  I did order the book yesterday because even though I've had one baby I can't remember what it felt like to be pg with Jakob (until the end of course), so I think the book will help me feel more comfortable with what's going on with me right now. Somebody let me borrow the book when I was pg with Jakob but I think I just flipped through it and didn't pay much attention. My first OB appt will be in about 2 weeks. They said it is a 3 hour appt. I guess they go over family history, insurance coverage and do another ultra-sound so that's what's up next. Thank-you all for your prayers, texts and love :) We are trying to take this one step at a time, be grateful for this opportunity and trust that God has everything under control

First u/s and potty training update...

Thanks to everybody for the congrats about the baby. I just want to keep you updated on what's going on right now...

I went to the OB on Tuesday for my first appointment. I have been feeling super icky and tired so I was not very excited about having to leave the house (thankfully Jeremy took off work to go with me), but I was happy to get an ultrasound and see that everything is all right with our little surprise :) The ultrasound definitely did not go as I had thought. When the doc did the u/s I saw the little amniotic sac filled with fluid, but nothing else. No heartbeat, not even a tiny little dot of a baby. Of course I was nervous. The doctor told me that she thinks I am more like 4 weeks along, not 6-8 as my last period would suggest. She said that everything looks healthy and I should come back in two weeks for another u/s to see a heartbeat. Of course I remember having the feeling with Jakob, and it's back again, that I feel as though I'm always waiting to hear the bad news. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I left the doctors office thinking I'd better slow down on thinking a baby is coming and prepare myself in case there isn't a baby there in two weeks. I was really very stressed. People have since reminded me that our first u/s with Jakob was just like that. It was around 4 weeks and there was really not much to see. I know that I need to trust God with this whole situation, believe me, I tell myself that all the time. Doing it is so much harder. I have to constantly remind myself that I had nothing to do with this baby getting here in the first place and it's only going to be by God's provision that it makes it into our arms. If you think of me just pray that I will have the faith to trust and not stress. As I said I have felt pretty sick for the past week. Thankfully my mom found this homeopathic morning sickness stuff that I take each morning and it allows me to eat breakfast without feeling as if I'll barf at any time. Starting the day off with something on my stomach seems to help a lot. I've also discovered that sour tasting candies help with the nausea, so I go to those during the day to help me out too. I have been resting as much as you possibly can with a two year old. Thankfully Jeremy is very good about picking up food when I don't feel like cooking and helping out with Jakob when it's 8 o'clock and I'm so tired and ready for bed.

  I wanted to tell y'all about Jakob and his potty training. I think he is so close to being potty trained. I'm just trying to be patient with him because he will put two and two together eventually. Right now he will go to the potty and sit on it if he needs to go to the bathroom. That's great right? The only problem is he doesn't pull his pants down. If I'm paying attention and notice him right when he sits down I can pull his pants down quickly and he'll pee/poop on his potty. If I'm distracted by whatever and I suddenly look up to see where Jakob is he will be sitting so nicely on his potty, (fully clothed) and I will have to rinse out his nasty undies. I'm still so proud of him that he knows we poop/pee on the potty, I just wish he'd tell me when he needs to go. He has told us twice, but both times he was in the middle of getting in trouble and hearing a lecture from his dad and he looked at me and said "poo-poo" so I pulled his undies down and sat him on the potty and he went. He's good at getting out of those talks :) Anyways, we will keep trying and I know soon it will all come together

Testing, Testing...

Do you know how it feels to have hit and miss periods? I know most women don't. Most girls I know have never had a problem with them. Well I do. In November my period was late and I was sure it was because my thyroid was messed up again. In December I got a call from my endocrinologist saying my thyroid numbers look awesome and I don't need the medication. Come back for blood work in six months and we'll see if I'm still on the right track. I started my period right on time in December and attributed the late November issue with my hormones getting back on track from being a little messed up from my medications. Well I had a late period again for the month of January. I laid in bed thinking about the fact that if most women miss their periods they would be happy/excited/nervous because they might be pregnant. I thought about the fact that even when I have been anxious about my period starting and get a small glimmer of hope for a natural pregnancy it is quickly dashed by the negative sign on the pregnancy test. I sat in my bed and cried for the sadness that the thoughts brought on me. Just as fast as those thoughts come I have to push them away. I cannot live constantly questioning what God's plan is in my infertility. I cannot question why my body doesn't work the way it should sometimes. I have to pray when these times of self pity hit and ask God to help me accept his big picture, not to complain or despair because what I think would be best is not happening. I don't know if you've ever had the experience but as someone who has been through a hard time trying to conceive I hate taking pregnancy tests. Every time you see that negative test you are reminded of the fact that you are not normal. You are reminded of the fact that although others may have that surprise positive on the test it's not going to happen for you. I bought a pregnancy test at the Family Dollar in town so I could take it and call my doctor and let them know that I think my thyroid is whacked out again. It must be because my period is sooo late. I put the test in my bathroom and went to watch tv with Jeremy. As we were watching tv he asked me if I would take the test that night. I said no, I will wait until the morning. He said he wanted me to take it that night. Reluctantly I went to the bathroom like many times before and took the test. I knew what it would say. I knew the pain in my chest that would follow. I knew a little bout of self pity was on the way as well as worry for my cycle being messed up again. Within two or three seconds a cross appeared in the big window. Wait...I thought a cross meant...no way. This cannot be real. Yeah, the test was positive. I just had to laugh. I took the test straight out to Jeremy and showed it to him. He looked at me a little confused and then said "does this mean?" and I said "yeah, it's positive." I wanted to immediately tell someone. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing. We called my parents and then Jeremy's parents to tell them. When we hung up the phone we couldn't sleep, so we watched more tv. I just laid there in bed at night so happy, yet nervous, scared. We've never done this before. Yes, we've had a baby but it had so much anticipation leading up to it. So much preparation. This is definitely different. I wondered whether I would tell y'all right away or wait to see a doctor first but I realized if anything were to happen to the pregnancy I would need to talk about it on here anyways, so why not share the happy part with you? I have to admit I'm pretty scared of what happens after the delivery considering how sick I got with Jakob but I have to believe God  gave us this child and he will take care of us.  We've been through a lot together, you girls and me and I'm so glad to share this news with you. I am so thankful for my IF buddies who have wished me well and told me how happy they are for me. I think that's the hardest part to deal with right now is the guilt (I really am very happy, but it's a hard emotion to explain) that this great thing happened to me when there's so many women out there who cannot conceive. I don't actually know how far along I would be determined but I woke up this morning to a nauseous achy stomach. Cooking breakfast for my boys made me want to hurl. I remember these days :) 

Ready or not, here they come 

Long time, no talk...

Hey Everybody! We have been experiencing some computer issues around this house lately so I haven't been able to blog. Wouldn't ya know we order a new computer (because the old one won't work at all) and this one decides to start working  again...(sigh). Oh well. Our little Compaq is 6 years old and it's been a pain in the neck since about the first week. We have a nice, new, much better brand on the way. One of the computer geeks at my dad's work recommended it so I am very excited to be able to use the computer and not have it freeze up on me or just randomly shut down whenever it feels like it. I am glad this one started working again because all of my pictures are in folders on it and need to be taken off! I know, I know. Hmmm....so much has been going on what should I tell you about? We went for Jeremy's birthday dinner to a Cuban restaurant in the town he works in and let me tell you it is one redeeming quality of that place. The food was SO good. I had shrimp sauteed in garlic butter and the cuban rice (kinda like fried rice just with black beans and spanish seasoning) and fried plantains. Jeremy had stuffed fish which was really a fried fillet with scallops, grilled bell peppers and onions and cheese. I don't usually like fish unless my dad has cooked it but that fish was awesome :) For desert we had this "three milk cake" it was very yummy. They were having a birthday party for a teenage girl (the girls all had on cute party dresses) in the other dining room and they had this really loud Cuban dance music playing. Jakob kept dancing and making his cup dance around. Everybody there thought it was hilarious. He's got a little rhythm for a white kid :D  We had a really fun night and Jakob was a very good boy. I got him out of his high chair to leave and got to the front door and he had kicked off his shoes and socks under the table. This child keeps me busy! 

The other day the lady from Early Steps came and brought a  speech therapist with her. The therapist was very encouraged by all the words Jakob is saying now. I have been writing them down and he's pretty close to thirty words he will say on his own without having to be prompted. He still is not putting two words together yet, and sometimes he makes one word into two. He says light o---ff. Off is two words right now but I'm very proud of him that he tries (and succeeds) at saying the word off. Everyone who comes to the house tells me I'm doing great with Jakob and I'm doing all the right things, and I just want them to give me an answer why he's not talking more. I constantly have to just remind myself that his progress is his own and we need to celebrate every victory, not compare him to other kids. It still makes me sad for him sometimes when I read of kids much younger than him talking up a storm. Then I remember he is healthy and happy and that's all I can ask for as his mom. The early steps coordinator sent me a phone number for the Head Start (childcare) here in town, and sent word that they need to fill their "white kid quota", yes that is a quote, lol (she is a spanish lady) so I went down there and signed Jakob up. We still had to get on a waiting list but if Jakob gets in his childcare would be free. Everyone from Early Steps as well as the speech therapist in Fort Myers say they think Jakob's vocabulary will greatly improve if he's around other little children. I know it will be good for him if he gets to go, but I don't want him to. Jeremy said "he's just such a little guy to have to go off to school on his own" I told him to be quiet because I was already sad enough. We will just have to remember it will be good for him. Head Start runs 5 days a week from 8-2. I obviously don't want Jakob to go all five days or for the whole time. I'm sure they take naps after lunch so I'd probably pick him up before that. I figure we can discuss all that if/when he gets accepted into the program. I guess if he gets in he could attend there until he starts school. It would be free because he has been diagnosed with speech issues.

Potty training has been going pretty well. Jakob really doesn't have many accidents at all. I have caught him a few times before he poops (I will hear him grunting or something) so he has pooped on the potty a couple times. Yesterday he woke up and I started taking his diaper off and asked him if he needed to go potty and he said "poo-poo." I sat him down on his little potty and he started grunting and pushing and pooped! I was so proud  of him. I think he's getting the hang of it. He still wears a diaper to Church and if we go out anywhere, but we don't go out that much so I think he's getting enough training time. I am nervous if he starts going to school what might happen with his progress. We'll see I guess.

Jeremy had a job interview on Thursday. When he applied for the job it didn't have too much info about it but they were looking for the same biologist series that Jeremy is currently in so he applied. He found out pretty soon after the interview started that he didn't want the job. It was basically doing statistical work after wildlife management has been done. It was a very technical job. Jeremy said he wants to be the one burning the woods and managing the wildlife, not going in afterwards and collecting data. The job location ended up being in Shreveport, La so I was more than a little relieved he definitely didn't want it :) I believe there's a job closer to home that will be just right for us, we've just got to wait on God's timing. It is so easy to say today, but when something pops up (i.e. a 50 minute drive to the emergency room, an hour and a half drive to a doctors office) I have a much harder time waiting. 

I ordered this super cute bathing suit a couple weeks ago from here.  I know, most people are not thinking about what they will wear to the beach in February, but it's been 85-86 degrees here during the day and I'm dreaming of the beach. Every year I intend to get a new bathing suit and I never do. I love this one it is even cuter in person than in the picture.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I hope you're all doing well. I want you all to know that I've prayed for everyone who reads this blog. I know sometimes I can get so caught up in my own life and issues that I (selfishly) don't look around and realize we all have our problems. I was praying the other day and God brought many of you to my mind. I prayed for things you blog about. I prayed for your families. Thank-you for all the times you've prayed for me.