When you're going through infertility and seeing a doctor about it you pretty much lose all modesty (aka dignity;). They're always checking your ovaries and uterine lining so there's always the (dreaded) internal ultrasound. The first time around (when trying for Jakob) I had already had a year or so of seeing a gyn before I was referred to New LIFE so the lack of modesty didn't bother me. I was used to it. This time around I have to keep reminding myself that these people do this all the time...and there is no modesty when trying to have a baby via ART. None. Yesterday I went for my second appointment. You go into the room and there's this lone chair with oven mitts on the foot rests. I always laugh a little when I see the oven mitts. Seriously? You guys are making tons of money, I know because I'm paying you and the best you can do for stirrup covers are some palm tree oven mitts? Anyways, next to the chair is a tv with a dvd player. Why the dvd player is needed I don't know...On the other side of the chair is the portable ultrasound machine just like you'd see at any regular OB appointment. I had to pee really bad yesterday when I arrived at the office but the office was full of people and the bathroom is right there in the waiting room and I just didn't want to use it and for some reason I thought I'll wait until after the ultrasound. When my Dr came in and started the ultrasound the first thing he said was...whoa! Your bladder is huge! Yeah, remember, no dignity. Not in any way. So my Dr knew I needed to pee pretty bad. Oh well. My uterine lining was perfect. They explained to me that the birth control pills and the lupron shots make my lining super thin. He said that's actually why I've been cramping and bleeding because my lining is so thin. I guess my body is thinking I need to shed the rest of it. Then he looked at my ovaries. He showed me the u/s and said I am super fertile. They didn't count but estimated at least 25 eggs between the two ovaries. He told me I should be an egg donor...first of all if I can't have my babies nobody else is getting them!!! ;) but also I reminded him of this little thing called OHSS (hyperstimulation) that put me in the hospital with 8 liters of fluid having to be drained off of my lungs. No. I won't be volunteering to be an egg donor. I'm glad some people are ok with it because it may be the only way some have children but I am not going to be selling my eggs to anybody. The Dr told me everything looks perfect and to just keep following my instructions on taking the meds. Today starts estrogen patches, which I really hate because I'm obviously allergic to the glue on them. I get big scabs where the patches were even when I wear them only for one week and then move to a new spot. At least I only have to wear four(in consecutive one week doses, not all at once). I also start the estrogen pills. All this estrogen will help build my lining up really thick to (hopefully!) be ready for a little embryo to implant. The Lupron continues until a couple days before the transfer, I think. I have another u/s and bloodwork appointment on June 10th and then they'll schedule my transfer. Transfer days are June 16th and 17th which is a Sunday or Monday. The only real side effects I'm having are still the bleeding/cramping, a little nausea at night and the random hot flashes. I just bump the air down for those and later when I'm freezing remember that I turned the air down b/c of a hot flash ;)
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
TMI...
So I've been on the Lupron shots for 5 days now. I'm also going in to my 5th straight week of taking birth control pills. For the most part I've felt pretty good. For some reason I'm having a little bit of a reaction after every shot. The area kind of swells up and itches a lot but it goes away after a while. I have had a few major headaches, but that is to be expected with all the hormone stuff going on in my body right now. The only other side effect I've really noticed so far is that I feel kind of nauseous in the afternoon/night time. Sometimes I don't even want to cook dinner because I feel sick but once I get it done I am able to eat some. When I lay down to sleep at night is when I feel it the most because I am being still. Thankfully it's not really bad, but it is there. TMI alert...I am not supposed to have my period because I've been on the birth control for 5 weeks. The birth control (and now the lupron) are supposed to suppress my cycle so that I don't ovulate or have a period. About 4 days ago I started cramping and spotting. The day after this started I felt like I would have a regular period. My cramps were pretty strong. I'm still spotting four days later. I called the doctors office and they said that it can be normal to spot because I skipped the placebo pills on the birth control and basically skipped my period for the month of May. I go for bloodwork and an ultrasound on Thursday and they will be able to see what's going on
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Clamming up...
So remember my last post how I said that I always tend to tell people a little too much about my situation and sometimes people get uncomfortable because they've never really thought about the IVF process or don't know very much about it. I grew up in a house of five girls so we talk about feminine stuff all the time (ovulation, periods, etc.) that's not a big deal to talk about to me. I've met people who act like they've never had a period in their lives. I even met a girl once who looked shocked and dismayed when I said something about breastfeeding! I later found out she bottle fed her baby so I guess she was not comfortable talking about the subject. Wow, I got way off topic. Anyways, what I was trying to get at is all the sudden I feel myself wanting to clam up. On Sunday I found out that a third girl at my church (and this place is small like less than 30 people right now) is pregnant. If she happens to read this blog I want her to know my feelings have nothing to do with her and I'm very happy for all three women. Thinking about all the pregnant women who I'll be around and all the babies 6-9 months from now I started to panic a little. If I don't get pregnant there's going to be a constant reminder that this cycle didn't work. If I do get pregnant and lose the baby there's a constant reminder of that. That's what happened to me when I miscarried in 2012. It is literally making me feel queasy just thinking about it. I have to just stop the thoughts and pray every time they start. Worry is not going to accomplish anything. My future is in God's hands and honestly that's the best place for it to be. It's still hard. I haven't been nervous until now. I felt like packing up the blog and not talking about this anymore. But I won't. I need those of you who read this blog to pray for me and I'm telling you what I need prayers for right now and that's peace. Peace to accept God's will for my life and peace to trust him in a situation that I have no control over. Thank-you friends
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Over-sharing...
I feel like any time I go through something difficult I can tend to over-share. If I'm doing that at any time during this process please forgive me. I found out a long time ago when we were dealing with infertility that it helps so much just to get things off your chest and out in the open. I spent so many days crying and left functions because someone unknowingly said something that really hurt. Eventually I realized I can't be upset with someone when they make a joke not knowing what's going on in my life. Once I started sharing with people what we were going through it made all the difference. I received the support I was desperately (and unknowingly) needing and other people now understood me more. Anyways, I was just thinking about how sometimes I may share too much, if I do please ignore me ;) and blame it on the hormones (lol)
The other day we were at Lowe's buying all the stuff to fix up our flower beds at the house. My phone rang and it was BriovaRx which is the specialty pharmacy where we were getting all my medications from. The girl on the phone told me she had my total for my meds and did I want to hear it? I said yes...maybe not the best idea while I had a pile of mulch and plants on my cart. She told me the total cost of meds was 726 dollars and some change. I instantly felt like throwing up. My doctor and Linda had both said how much cheaper this cycle's meds would be because we were just doing the transfer. I was thinking cheaper as in less than 500 dollars. When I told Jeremy that they had called he said "how much is it going to cost?' and I didn't want to tell him. When I told him the total he said "oh, that's much better than I thought it was going to be" he reminded me that I've obviously forgotten how much we paid the first time around. I think I have :)
My box of medication came on Tuesday. It's a whole lot of stuff. The most expensive and most important medicine in there was the progesterone. When you get pregnant with ART (assisted reproduction) your body isn't making the hormones you need to keep a pregnancy in the beginning, so you have to take the progesterone shots to help you stay pregnant. It's an intramuscular shot and it hurts, and it bruises but at least I don't have to do it every day this time and like I said it's totally worth it if you get pregnant. I start my shots of lupron on May 21st (it's a small needle that goes in my belly I think it just holds off your cycle while they get ready for the transfer???) and I think I get to stop the birth control pills on May 28th. I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for May 30th.
There are still a lot of people out there that don't really understand the whole IVF process. Some people instead of asking me about it and becoming more aware or informed just assume that I've chosen to go the "easy route" to have a baby. I don't really want to explain to every single person I ever meet that I have a thyroid issue and it messes up my period all the time so I don't exactly ovulate like normal people and my husband has basically the lowest sperm count possible as well as every issue you can have with motility and morphology ( sorry honey ;) The other day a lady said to me "Oh yeah, my Daughter has had trouble getting pregnant but she decided to go the natural route." Something about the way it was said kind of bothered me. I wanted to defend myself and my choice while telling her all I've done to be as healthy as possible, then I remembered that unless you've been in this very place you cannot begin to understand how it feels. You also cannot say how you'd handle the situation or what you would do when it's not really your fertility issues. The fact is without IVF and the Doctors actually injecting Jeremy's sperm into my egg there would be no Jakob. It's just not happening for us. I'm not upset about that, I just wish sometimes people would be a little less judge-ee and understand that not every circumstance is the same. I'm not mad, don't get me wrong, I just wish we'd give each other a break sometimes, ya know. I catch myself doing this same thing in other areas of life.
When I was going through IVF the first time I was so sure we were going to have a baby. I felt like God had confirmed it to my heart that we were going to get pregnant. I don't know if I'm not trusting like the first time or if I'm realizing now how difficult this is (because of my recent miscarriage and friends having difficulty the second time around) but I don't really feel certain of anything this time. I'm having to constantly give my worries/fears to God. I'm having to constantly ask him for faith to trust and strength to know he loves me and he's in control even if things don't work out the way I want them to...
Thank-you to everyone who's praying
The other day we were at Lowe's buying all the stuff to fix up our flower beds at the house. My phone rang and it was BriovaRx which is the specialty pharmacy where we were getting all my medications from. The girl on the phone told me she had my total for my meds and did I want to hear it? I said yes...maybe not the best idea while I had a pile of mulch and plants on my cart. She told me the total cost of meds was 726 dollars and some change. I instantly felt like throwing up. My doctor and Linda had both said how much cheaper this cycle's meds would be because we were just doing the transfer. I was thinking cheaper as in less than 500 dollars. When I told Jeremy that they had called he said "how much is it going to cost?' and I didn't want to tell him. When I told him the total he said "oh, that's much better than I thought it was going to be" he reminded me that I've obviously forgotten how much we paid the first time around. I think I have :)
My box of medication came on Tuesday. It's a whole lot of stuff. The most expensive and most important medicine in there was the progesterone. When you get pregnant with ART (assisted reproduction) your body isn't making the hormones you need to keep a pregnancy in the beginning, so you have to take the progesterone shots to help you stay pregnant. It's an intramuscular shot and it hurts, and it bruises but at least I don't have to do it every day this time and like I said it's totally worth it if you get pregnant. I start my shots of lupron on May 21st (it's a small needle that goes in my belly I think it just holds off your cycle while they get ready for the transfer???) and I think I get to stop the birth control pills on May 28th. I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for May 30th.
There are still a lot of people out there that don't really understand the whole IVF process. Some people instead of asking me about it and becoming more aware or informed just assume that I've chosen to go the "easy route" to have a baby. I don't really want to explain to every single person I ever meet that I have a thyroid issue and it messes up my period all the time so I don't exactly ovulate like normal people and my husband has basically the lowest sperm count possible as well as every issue you can have with motility and morphology ( sorry honey ;) The other day a lady said to me "Oh yeah, my Daughter has had trouble getting pregnant but she decided to go the natural route." Something about the way it was said kind of bothered me. I wanted to defend myself and my choice while telling her all I've done to be as healthy as possible, then I remembered that unless you've been in this very place you cannot begin to understand how it feels. You also cannot say how you'd handle the situation or what you would do when it's not really your fertility issues. The fact is without IVF and the Doctors actually injecting Jeremy's sperm into my egg there would be no Jakob. It's just not happening for us. I'm not upset about that, I just wish sometimes people would be a little less judge-ee and understand that not every circumstance is the same. I'm not mad, don't get me wrong, I just wish we'd give each other a break sometimes, ya know. I catch myself doing this same thing in other areas of life.
When I was going through IVF the first time I was so sure we were going to have a baby. I felt like God had confirmed it to my heart that we were going to get pregnant. I don't know if I'm not trusting like the first time or if I'm realizing now how difficult this is (because of my recent miscarriage and friends having difficulty the second time around) but I don't really feel certain of anything this time. I'm having to constantly give my worries/fears to God. I'm having to constantly ask him for faith to trust and strength to know he loves me and he's in control even if things don't work out the way I want them to...
Thank-you to everyone who's praying
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Update...
Everything went well yesterday. When I got there I was really regretting the fact that I didn't think to take pain medication before I left for Pensacola. The nurse offered me motrin so I took it. Better late than never. I don't like medical type stuff. I cannot watch a "fake" surgery on a tv show or any kind of blood and guts. I felt a little sick looking at the screen and seeing my own guts ;) They basically went in and made sure there's no blocked fallopian tubes (not that that matters this time around) and checked my uterus to make sure there's nothing that would prevent the embryo from implanting. They put saline into your uterus to clean and make sure they can see clearly and that made me start cramping. It's funny how you forget all this stuff until you're in the moment then you go, oh yeah, I was a pretty tough chick to go through all this and probably a pretty crazy chick to try it again! All in all they said everything looks great and is ready for a baby. I hope so. Afterwards I went out to BWB to visit Kara at her new house. I held little Jeanette and remembered why I am crazy enough to try this again. We really would like Jakob to have a sibling. I think that's the biggest reason I want to try again. I like babies. I would like to have another one but I don't feel like my life would be incomplete if I never had another child. Maybe I will feel differently if we don't get pregnant after trying? I am a little nervous about how I will feel if we don't get pregnant, or even if we do get pregnant and lose the baby. So many unknowns. I just have to take it a day at a time and trust that God will provide what we need no matter the situation. Anyways, Our next appointment is on May 30th. I got my medication schedule yesterday but I have to download it. I will post it (though it may be a little tmi) when I can. As of right now a little boy is hanging on my leg and fussing so I must go...
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