Thoughts on grace for a new year...

Well, the new year will be here tonight, and what a time for contemplation. God has been so good to me. When 2008 began, meeting with Dr. Ripps (in January) I was told that the road of infertility is long and hard. I had no idea if or when we would be able to conceive. It had already been 2 years of tests and medications and it seemed like no one could or really was even interested in helping us have a baby. There comes a point in everyone's life where you must realize that no one can pray enough for you, no one can say enough words to encourage you, no one can have enough faith to help you. Either your faith is real, or it's not. I realized that God loves me, he loves me so much that he sent his SON as a sacrifice for my sin. If he loves me that much, then he loves me enough to listen every time my heart is broken. He loves me enough to hurt with me when I just don't understand. I'm not saying that this year hasn't been hard. I've had to fight away horrible ugly feelings and questions that were not mine to ask. It's not easy to understand why God gives children so easily to some people who don't care for them or care anything about God. It's even harder to understand when a follower of Christ longs for a child and would raise that child for his glory, and it just doesn't happen. Throughout all of the heartache and all the pain God has given me such peace in the times when I needed it most. My relationship with God has changed. I've had to rely on him, because I came to understand that man could not bring me peace. Men, in all their wisdom couldn't guarantee me a child, and they definitely couldn't help me cope if it never happened. Only God could fulfill my desire for a child, or comfort and calm my heart if that was never to happen. God has been my best friend this year, the one who knows all my secrets and still loves me and wants a relationship with me. I have to praise and thank him for blessing us with this baby, but even more I must thank him for being with me through the trial. For his peace that passes all understanding. You really don't fully comprehend what that verse means until you've been through a valley. My Pastor recently preached a sermon on Grace, and I'd like to share a few thoughts from it with you: -Grace is God giving to us something we need, that we'll never be able to get on our own. -Grace is what you get before you get the good news, it is what sustains you -Grace gives hope when there is no hope -Grace makes us stronger -Many times grace is the only answer -We need God's grace constantly and we receive it consistently 2 Corinthians 12:9- And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. No matter what the New Year brings, God's grace is available and plenteous to us. I have experienced first hand this grace, and I hope that his strength will be made perfect in my weakness. I pray God's blessings on you all during this new year, and that your desires will be fulfilled. Love to you all. -Shauna

My Weekend...

Yesterday I had my second PG test. The doctors office was closed for Christmas, so they told me to go to Labcorp in Crestview. I went there about 10:00 and the woman working there told me they don't do those kinds of tests...she said I could go to Crestview hospital to get it done. Fortunately me and Jillian were going to Pensacola to go shopping, so I decided to go to Sacred Heart and have it done. (New life works pretty closely w/Sacred Heart and I know they'd rather me go there) I sat in that waiting room for an hour and twenty minutes with the same six people waiting to get our blood drawn. It was totally boring, but I've been trying to practice patience, so I didn't get an attitude. (though I will probablly whine to Linda next time i talk to her :) People just get such bad attitudes around the Holidays, and I don't want to be the cause of someone dreading or even hating the fact that Jesus birthday is approaching. So anyways, I finally got my blood drawn (which took two seconds) The guy who did it looked like he was 17 years old, but I didn't feel a thing. Then Jill, Jarred and I set out on a shopping excursion. I literally don't think there was one major store we missed in all of Pensacola. We hit both malls, both Targets, Hobby lobby, Khols, you get the idea. I bought a cute sweater from old navy (they were 11 bucks!!!) I actually bought Jeremy more than I bought myself. I'm trying to abstain from buying clothes for now because if I'm pregnant with twins there's no telling when I'll have to start buying maternity clothes. We had a good time, and I'm still kinda exhausted from that trip. Today Jeremy's gonna take Jarred out and teach him how to shoot a gun... the plan is that later they're gonna go hunting together. Jill and I are gonna go to Defuniak and look at the antique stores and probablly eat at our favorite little restaurant (the hitching post). Today's pace is gonna have to be alot slower than yesterday, as I'm still recovering. I hope you all have a great weekend, and remember that God hears and answers our prayers. I prayed for 3 years for this baby and God heard the whole time, and he also cared the whole time. Don't give up on what you desire, whether it's small or great, our God is a God of miracles. Love to you all! Shauna

Positive thoughts this Christmas...

Well y'all, sorry I didn't post this yesterday, it's a long story, but... we're pregnant!!! My blood test came back positive. It's still kinda unreal, almost like I won't be able to believe it until I start getting big and feeling the baby move. The Lord has given us a most wonderful Christmas miracle and I give him all the glory. I would like to thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. If it had not been for you (my friends) this road would have been so much harder and more lonely. I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas today! Thank God that he sent his son to earth, not just so we could celebrate Christmas, but so we could be redeemed. Let's remember the real reason for this season, and let's enjoy being with family and friends. This is definitely going to be a special Christmas for Jeremy and I. He just can't stop grinning. Thank you God!!! Merry Christmas to you all and I love you all very much. Shauna

The BIG Day...

Yes, today is the day. We are supposed to be at New Life at 9:30, which means we leave here at 8:30. I was very calm last night, I even surprised myself a little. Once they do the test will be the hardest waiting period ever. Usually when they run labs it takes until the afternoon for them to call me and tell me the results. One of the girls at work said "it's Christmas Eve, they should be closing early and give you the results sooner", I don't know, I guess we ALL have to wait to see. (hehehe...I'm glad you all have to anxiously wait with me) I am remembering God's goodness all throughout my life, and he will continue to be good one way or the other. Pray for us!!! I will let you all know. Love Always, Me

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas...

Today was my first day back at work, and all I can say is YAY!!! I really missed all the kids, and it's so exciting being around them at Christmas time. I came back to a pile of presents for me from my kiddos, and I have to admit I opened them today. I got soaps, and lotions, and scrapbooking stuff (from a parent who knows about my IVF) and a couple of gift cards. It was very sweet of them to do that for me. The kids were really excited I was back too. They showed me every craft they made last week, especially a necklace with a big jingle bell on it. (they made me one too :) It feels good to be busy, and not worried about every little cramp, and every little twinge going on in my body. Tonight we went to Defuniak Springs and walked around the lake which has over 7,000,000 million lights around it. There's reindeer, and nativity scenes and even some strange things like giant dinosaurs, it's a really fun Christmas tradition we've started. It's about 32 degrees outside, which you may scoff at, but you must remember we're in Florida. I was bundled up, so I was o.k. but a few people couldn't believe we were gonna walk in that cold weather(!!!). I think they still ended up having fun. Make sure to check Jill's blog, cause she'll be posting some pics. (committingmywaysuntotheLord) That's about all I have to say tonight...strange huh? Hope you're all enjoying the Christmas festivities and spending time with family and friends. Will write again soon. -Love, Me

Christmas With Infertility...not for the faint of heart

Here's a few pics of my Christmas decorations. I cannot even believe that Jeremy and I are celebrating our 5th Christmas as a married couple. Time has truly flown by. I finished up my shopping yesterday. I have to wrap those last two presents and then I can relax! (yeah right) Tonight is the Church Christmas party...they are always alot of fun. My dad always does this goofy little thing where he edits funny stuff that our preacher has said, along with a few preacher friends who come every year and makes a story about it. This year I was conned into doing a part. It will be funny. I'm sure everyone is wondering how I'm feeling... I'm feeling good today. Yesterday I felt kinda sick, and I was SUPER emotional. I cannot even put enough emphasis on SUPER. It wasn't even about the whole baby issue or anything like that, I can't even explain it to you. All I can say is I'm on alot of drugs right now, and not so in control of my emotions. Thankfully my family and friends are very understanding. I was reminded this morning while browsing through some other blogs of the pain that the Holidays bring to many women like myself. I'm not having the feelings right now, because I'm waiting. Hoping...but those are feelings you never forget. Last year was just awful for me. When you're struggling, and going through a hard time, you kinda encourage yourself with "next year this'll all be over" or "next year at this time we'll have a baby." As the Holidays come and go you gather together with family who has moved into the phase of starting their family, or expanding their already existing family and you feel the void in your own life even more. The pride and excitement that grandparents feel towards their grandchildren hurts your heart, you know they love the grandkids, but you wish you had children they could dote over too. Also, let's face it, with alot of parents, once they hit that grandparent plateau you are not really the focus anymore. Where does that leave those of us who cannot conceive? I know this is not really a "happy" topic, but it is nonetheless very real. I don't really know the answer to this dilemma. There's really nothing that can be done for those of us struggling with infertility. Maybe though, now that you are experiencing all the feelings through the eyes of someone who's been there (myself) you can understand more when a friend or family member who's trying to conceive has a hard time at Christmas, or any other time. Believe me, we beat ourselves up about these feelings all the time. Maybe just let them know that it's o.k. to be sad for what they don't have, and let them grieve. I have definitely learned that pushing feelings away does not help me, and therefore does not help anyone around me. Yes, we must fight feeling sorry for ourselves, and doubting Gods power, but to feel sad is natural. Look at Hannah, she cried and poured out her heart to God. In the times when we need The Lord the most, we want to question him and push him away. I pray for every woman out there struggling this Christmas, that God will give her grace and a peace in her heart that no man could ever put there. May we all in God's time and in his will receive that gift that we pray for at Christmas, and EVERY other day of our lives. Proverbs 13:12- Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life...

How am I???...

How am I??? Are you sure you really want to know? Just remember that I'm allowed to be emotionally unstable right now :) It's been 4 days since the transfer and today I went to my mom's house, just to get out for a while. Taking it easy has been very stressful for me. You may think it'd be great, but my instinct when I'm worried or anxious about something is to get up and do things. Clean the house, reorganize things -like my pots and pans Jill- and I couldn't do any of that. The first day was o.k. I was really excited and kept thinking about what was possibly going on in my body at that very moment. The second day (yesterday) all I did was sit around and think of all the ways that this couldn't work. I've wanted this for so long, and worked so hard for it, and if it doesn't work, I don't even know how I'll feel. I know everyone's excited for me, but I still have to remember that it may not happen. I know it's hard to understand, but until you experience this you cannot know the fine line you walk between hope and reality. You don't want to limit God, but you have to understand that this may not be his will for us. Anyways, if I haven't answered your call I still appreciate the thoughts, I just couldn't talk at the moment. I'm feeling alot better today. I have had some light cramping -they say implantation occurs 3-4 days after the transfer- but I've never welcomed cramps so much before in my life... cramps mean good things could be going on!!! It's funny all the thoughts you go through, and please remember I'm on alot of hormones too. Only 8 more days to go y'all! -me p.s. My friend at the blog "I believe in miracles" is about 1 week ahead of me with her transfer, so pray for her also, she said her pregnancy test is in 4 days.

It's done...

Well y'all, it's all over with but the waiting. Yesterday was a very busy day for me, and I think that helped to keep my mind off of what was to come. -not that the process is painful, just nerve wracking- I was actually so busy though, that I forgot to take some of my antibiotics that I've been taking for the last two days. They cannot use alot of anything when doing an ET (embryo transfer) because the embryo's are so fragile. They just put you on antibiotics to make sure you don't get an infection. (I did get caught up though) I also forgot that you're not supposed to go to the bathroom for 2 hours before the transfer. The doctor wants your bladder to be full so it's easier to get the catheter in. -so on the way to the doctors office I drank 5 large cups of water. We had to be at New Life at 3:40 p.m. It was the first time I've ever seen only one car in their parking lot. Nobody was in the front office or reception area. We just sat down and started reading magazines. Around four o'clock Linda came in and called us back. They took us to the room where they did my egg retrieval. It was cold and looks very hospital like. Dr. Ripps didn't come in till about 4:10 and the ET was done by 4:17. The doctor inserted a catheter through my cervix to my uterus. It sounds awful, but it's really small and when Dr. Ripps does it you don't even feel it at all. (they had also done a trial run 2 weeks before my retrieval and measured everything with ultrasound, so it would go smoothly) There's a little metal door in the wall of the room. it was open and leads to the lab. Dr. Ripps told doctor Minhas (the embryologist) that the Prestons were there and he was ready for our embryos. Dr. Minhas puts the embryos with a little bit of fluid into a syringe, which is then attached to the catheter. The whole time Linda had an ultrasound on my stomach (gotta Pee!!!) and we could see the tip of the catheter. The doctor pushed the syringe and we saw the fluid (with our little ones in it) go into the uterus. It is absolutely amazing. It's almost something you can't even quite wrap your head around. Dr. Ripps said that everything went perfectly and we have a very good prognosis. We had one embryo that had 6 cells and one that had 8 cells. I didn't make it laying down for 30 minutes like they wanted me to, I had to get up and run to the bathroom after 15. I know I complain about this after every procedure but if you ever want to torture someone, just give them lots of water and tell them they can't go to the bathroom.!.!.!. It's agony. Anyways, now we've just got to wait. They told me I can sit up. But not really do anything but eat, watch movies, and read for 48 hours. My pregnancy test is on the 24th of Dec. @9:30. I thank God for the grace he gave me yesterday, and the hope that we now have that maybe this horrible battle is finally over. Just pray for me that I can stay positive and not let the devil make me worry. God is in control. Love to you all! Shauna

Everyone, meet my kids...

No guys, the transfer didn't happen today. I just wanted to put up a few pictures of my kiddos at the daycare. When I left yesterday, with the knowledge that I'd be gone for a week I got really sad. I told them I'd be gone, but they're only just turned 3, so they won't totally understand for a few days. I just have to thank God for giving me this job, I don't know if I could have handled this whole struggle with infertility without these kids. (this is my 3rd class there, so there's lots of kids I've come to love). As most of you know, I was a hairstylist for 4 years before I started this job. I loved doing hair, and I was pretty good at it. When Jeremy and I started trying to have a baby, we realized that things were not happening like THEY all say in the books and articles. I went to a doctor who said "oh, I'll get you pregnant, you just have pcos" and put me on clomid. (without ever checking Jeremy) -My current doctor says no, I don't have pcos.- Well, 3 or 4 months on clomid was about all I could take. I had such horrible mood swings, and the trouble with my heart, and I just quit working all together. That lasted for about 6 months. Then I met a great doctor named Dr. Ripps, who told me that the doctor in Ft. Walton Beach really didn't know what she was doing, and he was sorry I'd been through all she put me through. They did a dna test on Jeremys sperm, and found out that it just couldn't fertilize the eggs. The sperm itself was fine, it just needed help. Our only option to become pregnant is IVF with the doctors injecting the sperm into the egg (ICSI). That was not so shocking to me, because we'd tried so many things, and we're very young, this should have already happened. I knew that IVF would be expensive, and agonizing, so I'd better just go get a job. The girls at the shop that I previously worked at wanted me to come back to doing hair. I told them that if I was going to make it through all this I needed to be around kids. ( I know this job's not for everyone, but I really feel like it's my calling) I don't make nearly as much money as I would doing hair, but I am fulfilled every day. You might think it would be harder on me to be around children all day, and parents who are expecting second or third kids, but it's really not. My mind is on my kids, and keeping them safe and fed and entertained, and it's exactly what I needed in this time. I feel very blessed to have been there for these children in times when their parents cannot. I love them alot, and it's so sweet to walk in in the morning and have a little one say "Ms. Shauna!!! I love you. " It makes everything else worth it. Tomorrow the embryo transfer is at 4:00. I'm very calm right now, but I'm sure that'll change by tomorrow afternoon. The worst part of all is waiting the two weeks till the pregnancy test. (My test is actually only 11 days from tomorrow) Thanks for all the encouragement, and well wishes. God is in control and I know that. Love you all, and I'll report back tomorrow after it's all done. -Shauna

A change in plans...

Well, I had my last appointment today. The office was quiet, but everyone was rushing around and I saw the man that was my nurse a couple months ago... yep, today was egg retrieval day. I sat in the office so grateful that day was already passed for me. Dr. Ripps told me that the retrieval would be a piece of cake, I wouldn't feel a thing. I don't remember much about that day, but I remember it was painful. All they did today was an ultrasound and blood test. My ovaries look great and the lining of my uterus looks good too. Linda called me tonight and said that they want to do my transfer on Saturday now instead of Sunday. -yes, I'm gonna miss the white elephant party- :( but I think I'll get over it :) Tonight was my last shot of Lupron (!!!) but I had to start the progesterone shots, so I basically traded one shot for another. That's all the news for now. Only 4 more days to go!

Taking one for the team...

Well, today was Sunday, and I should have spent my Sunday with my church family... things didn't quite work out that way. The Gators did win yesterday (!!!) so that's a good thing. After the game Jeremy and I said our goodbyes and went to leave my Grandpa's house. He has a really big porch on the back of the house, and nobody in AL or GA uses their front door. I was coming down the stairs from the back porch and missed the little half step at the bottom. Everything in my hands went flying and my ankle just twisted right on down to the ground. (OUCH!!!) Jeremy turned around and I was lying on the ground with my purse thrown one way and whatever else I was carrying thrown the other way. -(so I don't sound too stupid there is no light by the stairs...there should be)- I know that when my Grandma was alive she fell down those stairs, and my Grandpa's wife Helen has tripped on them, that should be a clue to someone. :) Anyways, I walked to the car, and thought I'd be o.k. in a few hours. As the hours passed my ankle started to hurt more and more. I'm pretty sure I sprained it. I am walking a little on it here and there, but mostly just keeping it propped up. Now when I think about it I just chuckle, because I'm sure it would have been a funny sight to see. Anyways, you know I've always gotta tell on myself, before someone else embellishes my story. Hope you all have a good week. -me

The weekend is here!!!

Well, last night was the Christmas party for work. We ate at the Boathouse Restaurant, and the food as always was very good. The Boathouse was where Jeremy and I ate the night we got engaged, so it holds a special little place in my heart. We all had a really good time, so there's no pictures I can post because everyone forgot to take pictures. I guess that kicked off all the Christmas parties of the season. Tomorrow we will be taking a trip up to Eufala, AL to visit with my Grandpa and his wife and my dad's Aunt and Uncle (which have always been my grandparent figures in my life). We're gonna drive up and back on the same day, thankfully Eufala is only about 2 - 2 1/2 hours away. Jeremy's not too excited about watching the Gators play the University of Alabama for the SEC championship in the state of Alabama, but he knows I really want to go see my Aunt and Uncle, so he's sacrificing his ego for me. (thanks honey!) Only 9 more days till our transfer!!! The girls at work are getting really excited, which in turn is getting me more excited. I guess because this is the ONLY way we're ever going to be able to conceive I have been kinda stressed out this cycle. This is it. If we can't get pregnant from IVF we'll have exhausted all our options. From day to day, hour to hour my mood and emotions change. It's so easy to tell a person to trust God when they're going through something, it's another thing when you have to convince yourself to trust God as you're going through it. I am feeling very optimistic though, and hopefully soon we'll have some really good news to tell you all. Hope you all have a great weekend! -me Oh yeah... Go Gators!!!

Countdown begins...

As of today I officially have less than two weeks till the embryo transfer. I am getting more excited, and am so much more grateful to know I won't be going through the retrieval again!!! (Thank God we've only got to do that once our lifetime) I have started on the estrogen -a pill, and a patch that I wear on my stomach- After the egg retrieval, when I was really sick the doctor told me to stay on my meds as if I was going to have the transfer, just in case everything cleared up, and I took out the patch to put on my stomach (I had to wear two) and it was huge!!! Each one took up half of my lower stomach, and it looked so goofy. (what a time to be vain huh?) Thankfully the new batch I received are much smaller. I was overjoyed when I took it out of the package on Saturday and it was so much smaller than the last ones (and I only have to wear one). I haven't had too many side effects from the estrogen yet, I do get heart palpitations when I'm on it. -Basically my heart feels like it's pounding really hard in my chest every few minutes, randomly through the day- I first got them when I was on clomid, and they really scared me. The doctors did a bunch of tests -ekg's and stuff- and said there was nothing wrong, so now I know when I get them that it's no big deal... still not fun though. Other than that I'm doing pretty good right now. I had my crying spell a couple of days ago, and seem to have gotten that out of my system. All in all I can't complain, besides the OHSS, which I did recover from I haven't had alot of trouble from all these medications. -thank the Lord!- I've got another doctor's appointment on the 9th, and then the transfer on the 14th... Can you believe how quickly it's getting here??? Just continue to pray for me, I really don't take it lightly. Thanks, and I love you all. -me