My thoughts on this Mother's Day...

I would like to start out this post by saying that my Mom is in Tennessee this Mother's Day, and I already miss her, and she's only been gone one day. Her and my dad were supposed to go to Tennessee in March, but they got snowed out, and had to come home. She rescheduled and didn't think about Mother's Day, so we've had our good cry about it, and even though I'd much rather be spending Mother's Day with her I understand that they couldn't cancel these plans. I love my Mom so much. She is the most giving, loving, unselfish person I've ever known. My Mom is the "church Mom". We have a church full of military people, alot of them young and away from families for the first time, and my Mom just automatically falls into the roll of mothering most of them. Most of you know, don't ever go to my Mom's house after you've just eaten, because she will make you eat again. Mothering is just her thing. She's just really good at it. My Mom has been my best friend all my life. We have a great time together. Throughout all my journey with infertility my Mom has been there with me. She's driven the hour and 20 minutes to the doctor's office with me more times than you can count. She's held my hand and prayed with me when my heart has been broken. When there were no words to say, and no way to heal the hurt my Mom was there just to support me. When I was in the hospital with my OHSS after my egg retrieval my Mom came to my house, cleaned it spotless and made me dinner so when I got home everything was done. This is the reason I've always wanted to be a Mother. My Mom made being a Mother a very important job. The most important job you could ever have. I hope that I can be even just a small amount of the Mother that she's been, and Jakob will be very blessed. Now, I must thank God for the opportunity he has given me to be a Mother. Even now, when I feel him move I still get kinda awestruck that he is here. There have been a few Mother's Days that I spent in sadness. I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to be a Mom. We tried surgeries, medications, and IUI's and doctor Ripps finally said IVF is your chance to be pregnant. Wow. My only chance. If IVF didn't work, what was I going to do? I knew that God placed this desire in my heart, to have children, but how would he fulfill it? At that point in my life I wasn't opposed to adoption, but it brings more waiting, more heartache, was that his way? Looking at finances we couldn't afford IVF. Most meds were covered (except the progesterone, which is pricey) but the procedure was not. I just believed that God would provide, and he has. We've paid for about 7 or 8 thousand dollars worth of fertility costs already. We have less than that to go! As time for the IVF came I realized that the doctor could do everything right, I could do everything right, and still I could end up childless. This whole In-Vitro process was still in God's hands. God held my child in his hand. He would do the forming in my womb if a baby was to be born. This was not an issue that I could negotiate, or whine and get my way, or even beg, it was all up to God. I just give him all the glory and all the praise for the most precious gift he has given to me. Now I get to start my journey as a Mother. I know it's not always easy. I think about all the sacrifices my Mom has made for me, and I wonder, can I be that unselfish? Can I give my all to this child the way that he deserves? Can I make him top priority and put my all into raising him to know and love the God I serve? It can be overwhelming to think of. But you know what? I have a little insight that maybe some people who haven't been in my situation may not consider. I know God gave Jakob to me, and I know that it was a miracle, an impossibility, so I know that God will equip me, and make me into the Mother that Jakob needs. God always provides. Thank you Lord for the gift of my son. You have truly given me my petition which I asked of you. Thank you for my Mother. She is one of the greatest gifts you've ever given me. I praise you for the miracles you give to us every day, and especially for my little miracle named Jakob.

throwing up and other random thoughts...

Well y'all, I think I'm a little hard headed, but I'm also learning that I better pay attention to some signals my body is giving me or just shut up and be miserable. Three times now I've eaten a "snack" (a bowl of cereal,etc.) after dinner, but before bed and all three times I've woken up around 11 or 12 o'clock and puked my guts out. The last time was Sunday night, I got home from church, and knew in my mind I really shouldn't eat anything, but I thought, "if I just eat this little snack bag of Cheetos I'll probably be o.k., there's not much in it." I woke up at midnight with the worst stomach ache ever and knew that the food was coming back up. (I don't know why the stomach aches come, but it's happened each time) This time was different though because my stomach ache usually goes away after I throw up, Sunday night it stayed all night. I don't know if I'm having trouble with a certain type of food, but I'm just gonna avoid eating after about 7:00. Now that I've grossed you all out let me tell you about something totally cool that happened on Sunday morning. I was sitting, reading a book, and looked down at my stomach, and saw little Jakob rolling around or something. Later on in the day he was kicking and I guess he's big enough now that you can actually see his movements, my stomach was twitching and moving. It looks really funny, and kinda freaky. Like there's a little alien in there trying to break out. This is the first time Jeremy has really seen evidence of the little life inside me. He's felt him kick faintly a couple times, but now we just sit and watch him kick and move around...it's amazing. That's about it on the baby front. I'm 24 weeks tomorrow.(!!!) People are starting to ask me when I'm due, so I guess I officially look pregnant now. Dana (onestepatatime) had her embryo transfer yesterday, so I'm praying that she'll find out she's pregnant in about a week and a half. It sounds like her embryo's looked great, we just need em to stick! Jillian (committingmywaysuntotheLord) graduated with her A.A. last night from NWF State College, and I'm so proud of her. She's done this as a single mom while working and always being there for Jarred. She's already starting on her B.S. too. Oh yeah, and Kara (who'll always be my "baby" sister) is graduating from high school and with her A.A. shortly. I cannot believe that! She'll be 18 in September. I'm so proud of her, it's really nerve wracking (for the parents) with a homeschool kid because you wonder if you're doing things right, and if your child is learning all they should be. She's gotten A's and B's in all her college courses and y'all have seen her artwork. She's doing great! She should have her bachelors in Elementary education in about 2 years. Well, this has turned into a really long post. I'm very excited about my first Mother's Day. (as a Mother!!!) I'll write more about that later. Hope you all have a great day! Love, -Me

God's Timing...

This is the scene that we saw coming home from work today. As most of you know, or may have heard we had 2 sherriff's deputies shot and killed last weekend. A man who beat up his wife shot one deputy in the head, and the other in the chest and they both died at Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola. Both men leave a wife and children. Their funeral's were today. You can't really tell from the picture, but that long line of cars is just a bunch of police cars. There were 4 or 5oo police cars, police motorcycles and fire engines in this processional, from counties nearby all the way to Mobile, Tampa, and everywhere in between. We're from such a small town I've never really thought of our officers as having a very dangerous job, but it seems here lately it's become increasingly more dangerous. If you remember pray for the families of Deputy Warren York, and Deputy Burt Lopez. I know this is a hard time for them. It's also a very sad time in our town, because as I said this is a small town, and things like this never happen. Now I'd like to make this story a little more personal. On Saturday, April 25th Joshua Cartwright went to the Shoal River Gun Club, a shooting range about 5-7 minutes from my house. Sherrif's deputies went there to arrest him, and even after using a taser gun on him he still fired his gun at them and ended up killing both of them. After shooting the two deputies Cartwright jumped in his truck and drove towards Defuniak Springs, (also toward where we live) and there got in a shootout with police and was killed. My father often goes to Shoal River to practice shooting. On the 25th he woke up and decided he would go and shoot. After taking a while to get up and around he decided not to go and worked around the house instead....My house had been without groceries for a few days, and I told Jeremy on Saturday that we needed to head to the grocery store and buy some food. My husband took an extremely long amount of time getting ready to go, getting a bite to eat, I wasn't getting mad, but I wanted to get the shopping over with. Finally I said "babe, we need to go." When we reached Defuniak Springs (where we go grocery shopping) there were alot of police cars, and people standing all around and a truck flipped over on the side of the road. I looked at the car and assumed there had been a wreck. "Good thing you took a while to get ready or we would have been in the middle of this wreck" I told Jeremy. Later on during the day we heard on the national news what had happened that day. I just look back and I see God, not in blatant ways, but in small ways leading us. Had my father gone ahead to the gun range he could be gone right now. Had we been 20 or 30 minutes earlier in Defuniak we could have been trapped in a terrible situation that we could have been seriously hurt. I just thank God that even when we don't recognize his provision or his leading he is still there. When I think of how close this all was I can only thank God for keeping us safe, as well as thinking of all the times we don't know about and he still spares us from things. God's timing is always perfect, and I hope that one day I'll learn that, and learn to appreciate it like I should.

A new pet in the Preston household...

So Jeremy called me at work the other day, and we had just started waking up all the kids from their nap and I was attempting to send them all to the potty. (This is quite a feat with 30 children all ages 4 and under) He says "hey, what are you doing?" and I said "I'm working," (duh???) "what are you doing?" and he said "nothing." Seeming like a real important conversation huh? In the meantime I'm trying to make sure little boys who just woke up from their nap are peeing into the toilet not on the floor in front of it, and making sure the little girls are washing their hands, not the bathroom counter with the mounds of soap they are dispensing. Jeremy says "I have a question to ask you..." Now I'm getting a little nervous, cause normally questions can wait till we get home to be asked. I said "ok" Then he changes tactics and says(very quickly I might add) "I have a little snake on my desk, and it's really small, thinner than a pencil, and it won't get bigger than 8 inches (last night eight inches turned into twelve by the way) and it's totally harmless..." My first question was "where are you gonna keep it?" "In the aquarium with the turtle" he says. "Is it gonna eat the turtle?" was my question. He assured me that it was WAY too small to eat the turtle. (we have a little baby turtle in an aquarium in the office, he's easy to take care of and cute because he's so small) So I told him that I'm o.k. with the snake as long as he's now the one to take care of the turtle (I didn't mind feeding him) and if the snake is ever taken out to scare me or toture me it's gotta go. Like I said earlier last night when Jeremy was describing his new pet he told somebody, "it won't get any longer than 12 inches" and I was like huh? How did 8 inches become 12? Anyways, I am not a snake person. Jeremy keeps wanting me to touch the thing, and I keep quoting Genesis to him, where God said that the woman would hate the serpent, and the serpent would hate the woman. I feel kinda queasy even when I look at the thing, but my hubby is so happy with this thing, it's like Christmas day or something. The things we do for love right???...

Baby bump week 21...

Another view of baby Preston...

Yesterday we had another ultrasound for baby Jakob since last time he just wouldn't wake up and cooperate. My mom had said that she thinks he knows my schedule, and since Friday is my day off and I usually try to sleep later that maybe he's in that habit too. So yesterday I woke up at 7 (which is still sleeping in for me) and started my day earlier in hopes of waking mr. lazy bones up. I also drank a big mug of coffee (thanks for the tip Nity!!!) and ate breakfast before I went. Usually me and my mom like to go to breakfast afterwards, but I really wanted him to move. I think the u/s girl got all the pictures she needed yesterday. Jakob still didn't move all that much, but he did stretch out his legs. His little hands were once again balled up in little fists up by his face. At one point he was looking right at the screen and we could see his little face he was also rubbing his hand on his head. He's still a little skinny guy, but he looks like a human being!!! It is just absolutely amazing. I still cannot believe sometimes that we are finally having this experience. After so much heartache, and so many let downs. I've dreamed of these days all my life, and it's finally happening to me. I just love this baby so much, I can't imagine how I'll feel once he's here. He looked kind of uncomfortable in there as he was bent into a "U" shape with his head down, but I guess he's comfortable, cause he didn't switch positions. His position did make it possible to see his boy parts and he is a boy. (yay!) I was so nervous that she would say it was a girl now that I'm all into little boy stuff. He's a boy, we saw it clearly. My mom and mom-n-law videoed the u/s for family, but I don't know if they'll be able to get it to where I can put it on here because they videoed the whole thing, and it was rather long. We'll see. Doctor Hennessey says Jakob has very big feet. I'm still hoping that he won't be as big as Jeremy, but we'll see. I guess he's expecting a big baby right now. He said the baby looks perfectly healthy. I was also relieved about that. I don't sit around and worry if he's healthy, but the thought does come to mind sometimes. I think it'd be so easy to blame yourself if your child wasn't healthy. So that was my u/s yesterday. I don't know if there'll be any more. Two appointments from now I have to do the glucose test. Hoping I pass that the first time... Oh yeah, I have my first stretch marks (uuugggh!) they are not on my tummy yet. They are on the part of me that started out as a (smaller) 34b and have now grown quite quickly into a 36d. The marks are not huge, only about 1/4 inch or so but I'm still not ready to be o.k. with them yet. I'm hoping that's all I get, and if it is I'll be o.k. with them. I bought some stretch mark cream, which people keep telling me doesn't work, but it's worth a try right? Hope you are all doing o.k. If you think about it pray for my friend Jessi (learningtowait) she's having some issues at work that she needs God to work out, And always remember Dana. Hope you all have a great weekend! -Love, Shauna

The reality of infertility...

Well, most of you have been following Dana's story (the blog one step at a time) with me. She has become a friend of mine, and honestly I have never prayed for someone (besides myself) as much as I have prayed for her. I really feel like we have the same story. Dana went for her blood test today, and found out that she is not pregnant. My heart is just broken for her. I cannot even imagine after all the work, and all the hope getting a negative result. IVF is nothing to be taken lightly. The shots, and hormones and emotions are real, and they are not always easy to deal with. Here I am with a child on the way, yet even now preparing myself for the fact that this may be the only child i'll ever have. I will not do the egg retrieval again. I know that for a fact. I thought I might die the last time, and I feel like I shouldn't tempt fate. My embryos that remain are not as advanced as the embryos we used last time, and only half of those even survived thawing. I know the odds are I will only have one child. Yet, I have a child on the way. I feel so blessed, and yet have to wonder why me? Why does God choose one person to have a child and not another? I feel like Dana would be a wonderful mother, why did God choose this path for her? I just have to trust God's plan even for Dana and all the other deserving women in this world who long for what I've been blessed with and it just doesn't happen. I guess this situation just makes me look back and see how good God has been to me. There's no reason why I wasn't the one who got the negative pregnancy test. I'm no better than anyone else, there's nothing that God owes me. It's so hard to remember sometimes that we see only a small portion of the big picture. It's so hard to wait on God's timing and sometimes even to understand his way. Lord, I am so grateful for the miracle you've given me. Please help us to trust your heart, even when we cannot see your hand. I know that you feel our pain, you weep when we weep. Please be near to Dana tonight and comfort her and her husband. I know that what you have in store is better than anything we could comprehend. Give her the strength to wait on you. In Jesus name, Amen.

A sweet note from a sweet Aunt....

Well, as most of you know, and the rest of you could guess my sisters are very excited about the baby coming. The day we went for the ultrasound Carissa gave me a note to the baby. If you cannot read it it says: Dear Baby, It has been verry rainy for the last six days, but today is a verry sunny day. I think that God saved this beutiful day just for you! Love always, Your Aunt Carissa How sweet is that? I think the excitement is only compounded by the fact that we are having a boy. With five girls in the family it will be interesting to see how things will be different with a boy around. -Me p.s. I am probably going to go ahead and make my blog private. I would feel more comfortable using the baby's name and posting pics when he comes if I know who has access. If I don't have your e-mail and you would like to be invited to read the blog send me an e-mail. (you can find my e-mail when you go to comment.) I'm gonna give it a couple weeks then probably start inviting. I think you just set up a password, and then you can get on my blog. We'll see if it causes too many problems. <3<3<3

Hooray for BFP's!!!...

I just want to say YAY!!! Those of you that go to church with me know that Jaylene is pregnant. Those of you who don't know Jaylene is a friend from church who has endured much heartache going through a few miscariages. The last baby she lost at 2o something weeks. I had just met her then, and it was so heartbreaking to know that they were going through that kind of loss. It's so hard when you're a part of a group like a church family, because someone's always announcing a pregnancy and it's hard to deal with sometimes when you cannot get pregnant or carry a pregnancy yourself. I know Jaylene is going to be so nervous, but I'm praying this is the time for her and Jeremy. I've been praying for two people that the Lord would let them conceive and Jaylene is one, and Dana is the other. Half of my prayers are answered. Keep Jaylene in your prayers that the Lord will keep this baby safe and healthy.

it's a...

We had our "anatomy ultrasound" this morning. Little baby Preston was snuggled in a little ball down at the very bottom of my stomach. The ultra-sound tech wiggled and wiggled my stomach, and the baby didn't budge. Finally the little legs opened and the girl said "ok, do you want to know what the baby is?" and I said YES! It is a little boy! Jeremy is beyond excited. He really wanted a boy, and just figured it would be a girl. The picture of little one's boy parts was only about 2 seconds, and then he snuggled back up and didn't move at all. I actually have to go back to have another ultra-sound on the 17th of this month because the girl couldn't even get all the measurements she needed this time because he was sleeping!!! Needless to say he's been moving around so much this afternoon (little turkey!). I'm just glad they could tell what he is, because it would have been so dissapointing if they couldn't. Me and my mom went to Target and bought a couple little sleepers and some baby shoes and stuff. Lots of blue. I will put up another ultra-sound when we get a good one. Hope you all have a good weekend. Love, Me