Update...

Hello friends :) 
I know I haven't written or updated much but you all see my Fb updates and that is all I've known. My beta numbers (measuring the hcg in my body) have not been great. They were, in fact, super low. They want a number above 1 for a positive and mine was 4.The nurse told me we just have to wait and see how they rise, but sometimes when numbers are this low the embryo started to implant (hence the hcg present) but then the body rejected it because of issues with the embryo and my body is readying for a miscarriage, or...the numbers can still double as they should and you could have a healthy pregnancy and a baby at the end. It's been so strange knowing my numbers are positive, but just barely positive. I want to have hope yet I want to be realistic and be prepared if I'm going to lose the pregnancy. I am thankful that through the crazy beginning process the Lord gave me peace and patience. My last beta test came back at 500. When the nurse called she said "we might have done this after all!" which made me so happy because it was the first time she's been excited with my beta. It also made me happy because I'd been praying God would help my number be in the 400's or that it would have dropped so we'd know one way or the other what's going on. Now I have an u/s scheduled for Tuesday. My last beta was Monday. That's a long wait. Linda (IVF coordinator and nurse) actually told me I could come in on Thursday and have another beta if it would help calm my nerves and I said no mostly because I'm pretty tired of driving to Pensacola so many times lately. Once Thursday rolled around I started to regret my decision a little. I have to remind myself though that if this pregnancy stays it will be all God's doing. I have had a few days where I question if my symptoms are still there. Do I feel pregnant enough? I've had a couple of nights (last night was one of them) where I can't turn my brain off. I worry about what we will see at the ultrasound. It's so scary to think we could get there and they could find out we've lost the baby by u/s. Once again I have to remind myself of God's sovereignty and remember that I want his will, not my own. I understand he's in control of my story and his way is best. It's still really hard sometimes to let go of the control I think I have. I really have none, I know that, yet I want to keep it. So I've only got 3 days until we find out more definitively how things are going. I was pregnant (on my own) last year and lost the baby at 8 weeks so I understand that just because everything looks good this time doesn't mean we're in the clear. This is all a lesson in trusting. I know that no matter what happens my God is good. I'm thankful for his presence through this whole process and I want to be faithful to rely on him, even when the doubts come. Thank you all for your prayers and I will update on Tuesday