Over-sharing...

I feel like any time I go through something difficult I can tend to over-share. If I'm doing that at any time during this process please forgive me. I found out a long time ago when we were dealing with infertility that it helps so much just to get things off your chest and out in the open. I spent so many days crying and left functions because someone unknowingly said something that really hurt. Eventually I realized I can't be upset with someone when they make a joke not knowing what's going on in my life. Once I started sharing with people what we were going through it made all the difference. I received the support I was desperately (and unknowingly) needing and other people now understood me more. Anyways, I was just thinking about how sometimes I may share too much, if I do please ignore me ;) and blame it on the hormones (lol)
 
The other day we were at Lowe's buying all the stuff to fix up our flower beds at the house. My phone rang and it was BriovaRx which is the specialty pharmacy where we were getting all my medications from. The girl on the phone told me she had my total for my meds and did I want to hear it? I said yes...maybe not the best idea while I had a pile of mulch and plants on my cart. She told me the total cost of meds was 726 dollars and some change. I instantly felt like throwing up. My doctor and Linda had both said how much cheaper this cycle's meds would be because we were just doing the transfer. I was thinking cheaper as in less than 500 dollars. When I told Jeremy that they had called he said "how much is it going to cost?' and I didn't want to tell him. When I told him the total he said "oh, that's much better than I thought it was going to be" he reminded me that I've obviously forgotten how much we paid the first time around. I think I have :) 
My box of medication came on Tuesday. It's a whole lot of stuff. The most expensive and most important medicine in there was the progesterone. When you get pregnant with ART (assisted reproduction) your body isn't making the hormones you need to keep a pregnancy in the beginning, so you have to take the progesterone shots to help you stay pregnant. It's an intramuscular shot and it hurts, and it bruises but at least I don't have to do it every day this time and like I said it's totally worth it if you get pregnant. I start my shots of lupron on May 21st (it's a small needle that goes in my belly I think it just holds off your cycle while they get ready for the transfer???) and I think I get to stop the birth control pills on May 28th. I have blood work and an ultrasound scheduled for May 30th. 
There are still a lot of people out there that don't really understand the whole IVF process. Some people instead of asking me about it and becoming more aware or informed just assume that I've chosen to go the "easy route" to have a baby. I don't really want to explain to every single person I ever meet that I have a thyroid issue and it messes up my period all the time so I don't exactly ovulate like normal people and my husband has basically the lowest sperm count possible as well as every issue you can have with motility and morphology ( sorry honey ;) The other day a lady said to me "Oh yeah, my Daughter has had trouble getting pregnant but she decided to go the natural route." Something about the way it was said kind of bothered me. I wanted to defend myself and my choice while telling her all I've done to be as healthy as possible, then I remembered that unless you've been in this very place you cannot begin to understand how it feels. You also cannot say how you'd handle the situation or what you would do when it's not really your fertility issues. The fact is without IVF and the Doctors actually injecting Jeremy's sperm into my egg there would be no Jakob. It's just not happening for us. I'm not upset about that, I just wish sometimes people would be a little less judge-ee and understand that not every circumstance is the same. I'm not mad, don't get me wrong, I just wish we'd give each other a break sometimes, ya know. I catch myself doing this same thing in other areas of life. 
When I was going through IVF the first time I was so sure we were going to have a baby. I felt like God had confirmed it to my heart that we were going to get pregnant. I don't know if I'm not trusting like the first time or if I'm realizing now how difficult this is (because of my recent miscarriage and friends having difficulty the second time around) but I don't really feel certain of anything this time. I'm having to constantly give my worries/fears to God. I'm having to constantly ask him for faith to trust and strength to know he loves me and he's in control even if things don't work out the way I want them to...
Thank-you to everyone who's praying