Off my chest...

So this post is going to be very selfish. Yep, all about me. I'm going through a lot at the moment and really just need to get it off my chest. I hope it doesn't seem totally scattered, but that's pretty much how my mind is working right now, so here goes...

Jeremy had applied for a job back in Niceville (where we came from) 3 or 4 months ago. It was that two year term position that finally opened up. We knew that unless someone way more qualified for the job applied it was pretty likely that Jeremy would get the job. It seemed as though everything was working out just perfectly for a move back home. Jeremy has fulfilled his contract with his current company so we don't owe them any money if we leave (they gave us money for a move as long as we stayed down here for 18 months), the people renting our house in Crestview let us know they'll be moving out in June. It appeared that everything would fall into place for us. The other day Jeremy talked to someone handling the job announcement and she told him he didn't qualify for the job. Turns out the job was supposed to be advertised one way and it was advertised wrong. Someone working full time in this line of work could not be hired for this job.  Of course we weren't happy, but we had said all along that if the Lord showed us he didn't want us to take the job we wouldn't. Well, Jeremy was given the choice yesterday, because of the wrong advertisement that he could have the job and he turned it down. Turns out if he took this job he wouldn't qualify for other full time positions if/when they open, so him not getting this job was a good thing. Still stinks, but God worked it out and showed us just what to do.

I've been having some issues with my heart since I got pregnant back in Jan/Feb. When we found out that we were pg both Jeremy and I were a little nervous. (I had a lot of issues after Jakob with my blood pressure and it was a very hard time and we didn't know how we'd make it through that again without the help of family near by. It also is a little scary with the closest hospital an hour away.) Anyways, a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant I started feeling like my heart was racing. It seemed to be worse at night, especially when I was laying down. -When it starts to race it feels like I'm not getting enough oxygen and I have to stop and specifically start taking deep breaths to calm myself down.- I actually called my OB's office and asked them about it because I was really nervous that maybe I had what Amber has had recently (heart issues) and the nurse told me basically that I was probably just freaking out because I was thinking about what happened with Amber. I agreed with the nurse and assumed that I was probably having a little anxiety and I started to pray that the Lord would help me trust him more and not be afraid. I don't remember having these feelings the month after my miscarriage, but I had a lot going on and was taking meds and didn't feel good anyways so I don't know if it was happening then or not. More recently I had started having the racing heart feeling again so I have cut out caffeine from my diet. No more coke zero, or coffee :( I do plan on drinking decaf coffee, but I haven't bought any yet and I think it tastes gross so we'll see how bad I want coffee. Monday I saw my endocrinologist (thyroid dr.) and he said that my thyroid levels were good. I mentioned to him about the racing heart and he told me that this happens with hyperthyroid. The over abundance of thyroid hormone is making my heart beat faster. (I know that my heart is racing because I take my pulse w/ my blood pressure cuff and my bpm are always high) He said this could mean that my thyroid is fixing to be too fast again. I go for another blood test in 3 months. He told me a few symptoms to watch for and call if I get them. Monday night (of course it always happens like this!) 

I had one of the worst nights of my life. I stupidly drank a small cup of coffee. When I went to bed my heart was racing. I felt like I just couldn't catch my breath. Eventually I just got out of bed and was pacing the living room and praying. I felt like I could breathe better standing up. -I can't really explain to you what's been going on with my vision, it also started happening when I was pg. The only way I can think to explain is that it looks like my vision is jolted all of a sudden. Like I hit my head or something and the whole world shakes all of a sudden. Sometimes I see spots, even if I close my eyes. Monday night I got on the computer because I couldn't sleep and out of the corner of my eye it looked like the computer screen was shaking. When i turned my head and looked there was no such thing. Just vision problems. - Around 1 or 2 in the morning I went and got back in bed and I started experiencing hot flashes. My head/ears would start to tingle and then it would go down into the rest of my body. Usually when this happens (and it hasn't in about 6 months) it happens once every few hours or maybe only once a day. This time it happened, then it'd go away for a few seconds then another one would come on. I ended up going to the living room and just turning the t.v. on for background noise. I would doze off but I would be woken up by the racing heart and feeling of not being able to breathe that well. The next day I explained to Jeremy what a bad night I had and the first thing he said was "you had coffee last night" and I realized I cannot have any caffeine. It is not the cause of the problem, but it definitely makes it worse. I'm starting to take a log of my heartbeat and if it stays over 100 for more than a few days I'm going to try and see the Dr. again. He said I might have to go on a beta blocker to slow my heart down, but he didn't tell me what is too high for bpm. The only thing I know is that this doesn't feel good and I may need some relief from the racing heart. Right now I'm just hoping that staying away from the caffeine will help me be able to deal with the heart issue. I know if you're reading this it may sound like I'm a crazy person, but I'm really not. Yesterday I was reading online about hyperthyroid and everything I am experiencing is common with the condition. It feels good at least to know I'm not imagining this stuff or letting myself get so anxious that I'm causing it on my own. My only courses of action for this problem is:

1) take a medication that slows down my thyroid (which I did last time) 

It gave me relief for about 6 months, so every 6 months or however long it lasts I wouldn't need to take any meds. The problem with that is that when it does come back it's not cool. This is my first re-occurence and I feel worse than when I initially went in before diagnoses.  Right now my numbers are saying my thyroid is normal, but my body is telling me it's not. I guess it's on it's way to being too high again. 

2) I can take a radioactive iodine pill which will slow down my thyroid, and eventually (within 5-10 years) kill it. This sounds soooo scary. I read about it and thought how could anyone do this? It is much easier to control an underactive or even non-existent thyroid than it is to control an overactive one. When I'm feeling like this I actually do consider taking this medication. I feel really bad right now. I don't think I'd want to take it until I was done trying to have kids though, if I did at all. 

Either way I'm going to have trouble with my thyroid for the rest of my life. I guess the question is which way do I want to suffer with it? The tiredness associated with thyroid problems comes either way. From what I read the heart issues happen with hypo (underactive) thyroid also but they're usually not as noticeable to hypo patients as to those with hyper thyroid. Anyways, that's what's going on with me right now. I'm having to take it pretty easy because my body is not allowing me to be very busy or very active. I'm just praying that God will help me to trust him no matter what's going on with me. I'm thankful that I know God is in control and one day I'll be in a place where I'll never have another physical issue. It seems as I get older heaven's sounding sweeter all the time :)