Testing, Testing...

Do you know how it feels to have hit and miss periods? I know most women don't. Most girls I know have never had a problem with them. Well I do. In November my period was late and I was sure it was because my thyroid was messed up again. In December I got a call from my endocrinologist saying my thyroid numbers look awesome and I don't need the medication. Come back for blood work in six months and we'll see if I'm still on the right track. I started my period right on time in December and attributed the late November issue with my hormones getting back on track from being a little messed up from my medications. Well I had a late period again for the month of January. I laid in bed thinking about the fact that if most women miss their periods they would be happy/excited/nervous because they might be pregnant. I thought about the fact that even when I have been anxious about my period starting and get a small glimmer of hope for a natural pregnancy it is quickly dashed by the negative sign on the pregnancy test. I sat in my bed and cried for the sadness that the thoughts brought on me. Just as fast as those thoughts come I have to push them away. I cannot live constantly questioning what God's plan is in my infertility. I cannot question why my body doesn't work the way it should sometimes. I have to pray when these times of self pity hit and ask God to help me accept his big picture, not to complain or despair because what I think would be best is not happening. I don't know if you've ever had the experience but as someone who has been through a hard time trying to conceive I hate taking pregnancy tests. Every time you see that negative test you are reminded of the fact that you are not normal. You are reminded of the fact that although others may have that surprise positive on the test it's not going to happen for you. I bought a pregnancy test at the Family Dollar in town so I could take it and call my doctor and let them know that I think my thyroid is whacked out again. It must be because my period is sooo late. I put the test in my bathroom and went to watch tv with Jeremy. As we were watching tv he asked me if I would take the test that night. I said no, I will wait until the morning. He said he wanted me to take it that night. Reluctantly I went to the bathroom like many times before and took the test. I knew what it would say. I knew the pain in my chest that would follow. I knew a little bout of self pity was on the way as well as worry for my cycle being messed up again. Within two or three seconds a cross appeared in the big window. Wait...I thought a cross meant...no way. This cannot be real. Yeah, the test was positive. I just had to laugh. I took the test straight out to Jeremy and showed it to him. He looked at me a little confused and then said "does this mean?" and I said "yeah, it's positive." I wanted to immediately tell someone. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing. We called my parents and then Jeremy's parents to tell them. When we hung up the phone we couldn't sleep, so we watched more tv. I just laid there in bed at night so happy, yet nervous, scared. We've never done this before. Yes, we've had a baby but it had so much anticipation leading up to it. So much preparation. This is definitely different. I wondered whether I would tell y'all right away or wait to see a doctor first but I realized if anything were to happen to the pregnancy I would need to talk about it on here anyways, so why not share the happy part with you? I have to admit I'm pretty scared of what happens after the delivery considering how sick I got with Jakob but I have to believe God  gave us this child and he will take care of us.  We've been through a lot together, you girls and me and I'm so glad to share this news with you. I am so thankful for my IF buddies who have wished me well and told me how happy they are for me. I think that's the hardest part to deal with right now is the guilt (I really am very happy, but it's a hard emotion to explain) that this great thing happened to me when there's so many women out there who cannot conceive. I don't actually know how far along I would be determined but I woke up this morning to a nauseous achy stomach. Cooking breakfast for my boys made me want to hurl. I remember these days :) 

Ready or not, here they come 

Long time, no talk...

Hey Everybody! We have been experiencing some computer issues around this house lately so I haven't been able to blog. Wouldn't ya know we order a new computer (because the old one won't work at all) and this one decides to start working  again...(sigh). Oh well. Our little Compaq is 6 years old and it's been a pain in the neck since about the first week. We have a nice, new, much better brand on the way. One of the computer geeks at my dad's work recommended it so I am very excited to be able to use the computer and not have it freeze up on me or just randomly shut down whenever it feels like it. I am glad this one started working again because all of my pictures are in folders on it and need to be taken off! I know, I know. Hmmm....so much has been going on what should I tell you about? We went for Jeremy's birthday dinner to a Cuban restaurant in the town he works in and let me tell you it is one redeeming quality of that place. The food was SO good. I had shrimp sauteed in garlic butter and the cuban rice (kinda like fried rice just with black beans and spanish seasoning) and fried plantains. Jeremy had stuffed fish which was really a fried fillet with scallops, grilled bell peppers and onions and cheese. I don't usually like fish unless my dad has cooked it but that fish was awesome :) For desert we had this "three milk cake" it was very yummy. They were having a birthday party for a teenage girl (the girls all had on cute party dresses) in the other dining room and they had this really loud Cuban dance music playing. Jakob kept dancing and making his cup dance around. Everybody there thought it was hilarious. He's got a little rhythm for a white kid :D  We had a really fun night and Jakob was a very good boy. I got him out of his high chair to leave and got to the front door and he had kicked off his shoes and socks under the table. This child keeps me busy! 

The other day the lady from Early Steps came and brought a  speech therapist with her. The therapist was very encouraged by all the words Jakob is saying now. I have been writing them down and he's pretty close to thirty words he will say on his own without having to be prompted. He still is not putting two words together yet, and sometimes he makes one word into two. He says light o---ff. Off is two words right now but I'm very proud of him that he tries (and succeeds) at saying the word off. Everyone who comes to the house tells me I'm doing great with Jakob and I'm doing all the right things, and I just want them to give me an answer why he's not talking more. I constantly have to just remind myself that his progress is his own and we need to celebrate every victory, not compare him to other kids. It still makes me sad for him sometimes when I read of kids much younger than him talking up a storm. Then I remember he is healthy and happy and that's all I can ask for as his mom. The early steps coordinator sent me a phone number for the Head Start (childcare) here in town, and sent word that they need to fill their "white kid quota", yes that is a quote, lol (she is a spanish lady) so I went down there and signed Jakob up. We still had to get on a waiting list but if Jakob gets in his childcare would be free. Everyone from Early Steps as well as the speech therapist in Fort Myers say they think Jakob's vocabulary will greatly improve if he's around other little children. I know it will be good for him if he gets to go, but I don't want him to. Jeremy said "he's just such a little guy to have to go off to school on his own" I told him to be quiet because I was already sad enough. We will just have to remember it will be good for him. Head Start runs 5 days a week from 8-2. I obviously don't want Jakob to go all five days or for the whole time. I'm sure they take naps after lunch so I'd probably pick him up before that. I figure we can discuss all that if/when he gets accepted into the program. I guess if he gets in he could attend there until he starts school. It would be free because he has been diagnosed with speech issues.

Potty training has been going pretty well. Jakob really doesn't have many accidents at all. I have caught him a few times before he poops (I will hear him grunting or something) so he has pooped on the potty a couple times. Yesterday he woke up and I started taking his diaper off and asked him if he needed to go potty and he said "poo-poo." I sat him down on his little potty and he started grunting and pushing and pooped! I was so proud  of him. I think he's getting the hang of it. He still wears a diaper to Church and if we go out anywhere, but we don't go out that much so I think he's getting enough training time. I am nervous if he starts going to school what might happen with his progress. We'll see I guess.

Jeremy had a job interview on Thursday. When he applied for the job it didn't have too much info about it but they were looking for the same biologist series that Jeremy is currently in so he applied. He found out pretty soon after the interview started that he didn't want the job. It was basically doing statistical work after wildlife management has been done. It was a very technical job. Jeremy said he wants to be the one burning the woods and managing the wildlife, not going in afterwards and collecting data. The job location ended up being in Shreveport, La so I was more than a little relieved he definitely didn't want it :) I believe there's a job closer to home that will be just right for us, we've just got to wait on God's timing. It is so easy to say today, but when something pops up (i.e. a 50 minute drive to the emergency room, an hour and a half drive to a doctors office) I have a much harder time waiting. 

I ordered this super cute bathing suit a couple weeks ago from here.  I know, most people are not thinking about what they will wear to the beach in February, but it's been 85-86 degrees here during the day and I'm dreaming of the beach. Every year I intend to get a new bathing suit and I never do. I love this one it is even cuter in person than in the picture.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now. I hope you're all doing well. I want you all to know that I've prayed for everyone who reads this blog. I know sometimes I can get so caught up in my own life and issues that I (selfishly) don't look around and realize we all have our problems. I was praying the other day and God brought many of you to my mind. I prayed for things you blog about. I prayed for your families. Thank-you for all the times you've prayed for me.

1,2,3 bake a cake with me...

Jakob helped his mommy bake a cake for daddy's birthday

He did such a good job pouring in all the ingredients

He took his job very seriously

Of course after you mix the batter you have to try a little taste :)

Mmmmm...

Back for seconds

The results of Jakob's hard work

Although Jakob can be a very picky eater these days he had no trouble digging in to his cake. I think our baking was a success (and Daddy liked it too :)

Tumbling down...

Oh my word y'all. If my child makes it into adult-hood it will only be because of the Lord's protection. His new thing is to pull out one of his drawers on his dresser and climb in to reach things on the top of the dresser that he wants to mess with! (kind of like using his dresser drawers as stairs) We are going to have to figure out a way to brace the dresser so it won't topple over on him. (As well as teach him not to climb his dresser) AAAHHHH!!!!

29...

So Jeremy is turning 29 on Tuesday. I asked him if he's going to take his birthday off and he said "no" like I am crazy or something. I've always wanted my birthday off from work. We are planning on going to dinner Friday to celebrate. I think we're going to eat Cuban food. Yum. I can't wait! Those fried plantains are calling my name already. I think Tuesday I am going to make this cake. It is really easy, the only thing I really have to make from scratch is the icing. I don't mind baking, but once for Jeremy's b-day I made him a chocolate cake, and I mean it was chocolate. I think it had ghiradelli chocolate in the icing and I even brought it to his work so he could eat it with his buddies and when he got home he told me it was "too rich." He also told me that no one ate very much of it. (I was a little heartbroken) I don't know about the rest of y'all but that killed my b-day baking for him forever. I told him I'm making a box cake for his b-day so if he doesn't like it he can complain about duncan hines or whoever :)

A few of our favorite things...

Lately Jakob is obsessed with Mickey Mouse. The only time he's really even seen him is at his hospital stay. He watched Mickey Mouse clubhouse. He does love everything Disney so maybe that's it? He freaked out at Target when he saw a Mickey Mouse picture, he kept saying "loo,loo" (look, look???) so we had to hunt down a t-shirt for him :) He kept hugging it and smiling/laughing.

So I was one of "those" people who thought I wouldn't let my child watch much t.v., who needs it? I learned very early on t.v. can help a mommy get things done. Thankfully there's dvd's like this that help my television obsessed child to learn his letters. Jakob now knows all his letters/sounds except maybe one or two. He loves his "lers ddd" (translated- letters dvd) The other morning he woke up and said "pee-pee", "lers", "ddd" so we did all three in that order :)

Another thing Jakob has all the sudden started loving is Veggie Tales. He used to ask for "wee-wee,bob" now he just says "deggie tales" He especially likes Madam Blueberry. It is so cute to hear him attempt to sing along with the "deggie tales" song.

Yet another new love. When we were home for Christmas Jakob saw balloons in the dollar store and said "loons!"We bought him one filled with helium and he had a blast playing with it. Since then he gets very excited when he sees balloons.

O.k., this is a bad one...Jakob loves coke. I've never really given him a lot of it, I will pour enough for a couple of sips into his glass. Now when we open the fridge he looks in the door to see if there's any coke in there. He asks for coke all the time. I think he is getting an unhealthy obsession with this drink so lately I have just been telling him no and giving him juice instead

Now for a few of my favorites :) Jeremy's mom got me the Ninja mixer for Christmas. We have been making sugar free vanilla/carmel frappucinos with it and they are soooo good. I have a blender, but it's never crushed ice very well, this thing does it easily. Now we don't have to spend 4 or 5 bucks on those other peoples frappucinos (though they are good)

 

 

I don't have much time for reading lately, but after Christmas I found a new trilogy by my favorite author and read book one. I don't know when I will be able to read the last two, but It was so good to read a new book. (In case you didn't know, my Amish obsession is still alive and well :)

This little black box may be my most favorite item I've received in a very long time. I got it for Christmas. It streams Pandora to my t.v. I don't know about any where else, but our Christian station down here plays the same 10 songs all the time. When new songs come out they ditch the last ten and play a new ten. It drives Jeremy crazy! Now we get variety but more of what we like to hear. I love this thing <3

 

Last but not least, one of my favorite songs at the moment. I am thankful for the random times when God gives me hope in his plan, hope for my future. This song means a lot to me at this time in my life.

Anyways, that's a few of our favorite things!

Week one...

 ****CAUTION...I'm going to talk about Poop. If you don't want to hear about it then you should probably skip this post****  :D

So we finished our first week of potty training. I really tried hard to stay home as much as I possibly could. Wednesday around 4 o'clock I put a diaper on Jakob because I was trying to fix dinner, get dressed and fix my hair/makeup for church. Friday Jeremy watched Jakob (and took over potty watch) while I went grocery shopping. Jakey played outside (with his daddy) for over an hour in undies and no accident! We also went to Fort Myers Friday afternoon, so a good part of the day Jakey was in a diaper. Today of course Jakob was in a diaper because of Church. When we got home tonight I took off his diaper and he sat right down on his potty chair and peed. That's pretty much how our week has been. Jakob has been very eager to put on his undies. He likes to dance and we sing pee-pee, pee-pee when he goes pee, then he eats some chocolate chips. The first two days Jakob didn't want to pee. I would have to pour a little warm water on him while he was sitting on the potty chair just to get him to go. I was wondering if maybe he was still not ready for potty training. Day three he started peeing on his own after 10-15 minutes of sitting there. By the end of day three he was sitting on the potty and peeing right away. He hasn't had more than two accidents a day and Thursday he only had one (pee) accident. Catching him before he poops is the hardest part. When he poops in his underwear he gets really grossed out and cries a little so I'm hopeful that that disgust will help him choose to use his potty chair. Do I think we're almost there? No, not yet. I am hopeful though that he is getting the idea of pottying. He also loves to wear his little toy story undies as well as his cars undies. He looks so cute in them too!  As of right now I feel like I am ready for the long haul and we will get this done. We'll see how next week goes :)

Trust and Obey...

God has really been speaking to my heart about my own faith. Part of the reason I can become so anxious about my situation, about the future, about most anything is because I don't have the faith in God that I should have. God has promised to supply my needs. He has promised to work all things for my good. I just keep taking that burden back on my own shoulders and carrying it as if God cannot or will not provide. I told you how my Pastor started teaching in Matthew 6 on Wednesdays. About fear and anxiety. The other day I was reading a devotional and the author suggested reading through (or even singing) hymns after having your Bible study. She stated how encouraging those old hymns can be, you know, the ones that have withstood the test of time. The very first hymn she suggested was "Trust and Obey" I just had to laugh to myself at how intimate God can be in our lives. Everything he's showing me lately is pointing me in one direction, and that's trusting him.

Trust and obey
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey

Take two...

So...we're attempting potty training again. I started Monday. We'll see how this goes :)

Since that night...

I think there is a trend in blogging. I think most people blog more for themselves than for those reading. Blogging has always been like therapy for me (and it's free :) Once I get something out of my head and onto a post I feel so much better. Writing about life since Jakob's choking episode is kinda weird. Sometimes it seems like my brain has pushed that whole night away and I don't even really believe it ever happened. Other times something will trigger my memory (like if Jakob's crying very hard and not taking a breath) and my heart will skip a beat (or two) and I remember all the feelings of that night. Once Jakob got home from the hospital he slept in bed with us for two nights. During the day we didn't let him out of our sight. If I hadn't seen him for more than a minute or two I would get nervous and run around the house looking for him. At my mom's house we put his little cot in our room at the foot of our bed so for 9 or 10 days I had my eye on him all the time. The doctors said Jakob was too young to realize that him picking/eating his diaper is what caused him to choke. Now that it's been 2 weeks I have to say I'm not so sure they're right. He has not touched his diaper one time since that night. There hasn't been one tear in it. He just hasn't messed with it. He's had an increasing number of times he wakes up and cries during the night. I have to wonder does he remember? When we walked into the house after returning from Niceville I felt like i was going to throw up. I kept thinking how can I stay in this house? All I could think of was my son lying on the floor turning blue. I know the house had nothing to do with his choking, but my body and mind put the two together. Thankfully the weather has been nice lately and I have opened windows and let the fresh air into the house and like I said the memory of that night feels like a dream to me now. The thing that has not gone away is the nagging fear that maybe he will choke on something else. Now that he choked on a diaper, something we never would have imagined we see a house full of dangerous things. At night I find myself lying so still and just listening to see if I hear my baby crying. The first night home I slept very well, I think mostly because of the exhaustion of driving and the long week we'd had. The next couple of days Jeremy and I have had trouble sleeping because we'll hear Jakob cry out either from a bad dream or just because he woke up and even though he quiets down I'm thinking, o.k., has he quieted because he's sleeping or because he's not breathing? I keep having to counsel/remind myself that God is in control of my little boys life. Even if I was the safest mother ever and had everything in this house child-proofed I could not keep Jakob safe on my own. I have to keep telling myself that God allowed Jakob to live and to be here with us. Then I thank God for letting him live and then I can rest. On Wednesday we went to church and the pastor taught out of Matthew chptr.6. For the next few weeks we will be studying it. He talked about being anxious or fearful of the future and how God told us not to be anxious, if he takes care of the birds and the flowers he will care for us. I am always so thankful when God confirms to me something he's already been teaching me in my own life. I know that the fear is not totally gone. Yesterday I was thinking about our anniversary in March and whether we would get a babysitter and go out to dinner and then I got really afraid. I thought no, a babysitter might get distracted and something bad could happen to Jakob. I know I still have some issues but I hope with God's help I will be able to trust him and give my fears over to him.