Since that night...

I think there is a trend in blogging. I think most people blog more for themselves than for those reading. Blogging has always been like therapy for me (and it's free :) Once I get something out of my head and onto a post I feel so much better. Writing about life since Jakob's choking episode is kinda weird. Sometimes it seems like my brain has pushed that whole night away and I don't even really believe it ever happened. Other times something will trigger my memory (like if Jakob's crying very hard and not taking a breath) and my heart will skip a beat (or two) and I remember all the feelings of that night. Once Jakob got home from the hospital he slept in bed with us for two nights. During the day we didn't let him out of our sight. If I hadn't seen him for more than a minute or two I would get nervous and run around the house looking for him. At my mom's house we put his little cot in our room at the foot of our bed so for 9 or 10 days I had my eye on him all the time. The doctors said Jakob was too young to realize that him picking/eating his diaper is what caused him to choke. Now that it's been 2 weeks I have to say I'm not so sure they're right. He has not touched his diaper one time since that night. There hasn't been one tear in it. He just hasn't messed with it. He's had an increasing number of times he wakes up and cries during the night. I have to wonder does he remember? When we walked into the house after returning from Niceville I felt like i was going to throw up. I kept thinking how can I stay in this house? All I could think of was my son lying on the floor turning blue. I know the house had nothing to do with his choking, but my body and mind put the two together. Thankfully the weather has been nice lately and I have opened windows and let the fresh air into the house and like I said the memory of that night feels like a dream to me now. The thing that has not gone away is the nagging fear that maybe he will choke on something else. Now that he choked on a diaper, something we never would have imagined we see a house full of dangerous things. At night I find myself lying so still and just listening to see if I hear my baby crying. The first night home I slept very well, I think mostly because of the exhaustion of driving and the long week we'd had. The next couple of days Jeremy and I have had trouble sleeping because we'll hear Jakob cry out either from a bad dream or just because he woke up and even though he quiets down I'm thinking, o.k., has he quieted because he's sleeping or because he's not breathing? I keep having to counsel/remind myself that God is in control of my little boys life. Even if I was the safest mother ever and had everything in this house child-proofed I could not keep Jakob safe on my own. I have to keep telling myself that God allowed Jakob to live and to be here with us. Then I thank God for letting him live and then I can rest. On Wednesday we went to church and the pastor taught out of Matthew chptr.6. For the next few weeks we will be studying it. He talked about being anxious or fearful of the future and how God told us not to be anxious, if he takes care of the birds and the flowers he will care for us. I am always so thankful when God confirms to me something he's already been teaching me in my own life. I know that the fear is not totally gone. Yesterday I was thinking about our anniversary in March and whether we would get a babysitter and go out to dinner and then I got really afraid. I thought no, a babysitter might get distracted and something bad could happen to Jakob. I know I still have some issues but I hope with God's help I will be able to trust him and give my fears over to him.