Testing, Testing...

Do you know how it feels to have hit and miss periods? I know most women don't. Most girls I know have never had a problem with them. Well I do. In November my period was late and I was sure it was because my thyroid was messed up again. In December I got a call from my endocrinologist saying my thyroid numbers look awesome and I don't need the medication. Come back for blood work in six months and we'll see if I'm still on the right track. I started my period right on time in December and attributed the late November issue with my hormones getting back on track from being a little messed up from my medications. Well I had a late period again for the month of January. I laid in bed thinking about the fact that if most women miss their periods they would be happy/excited/nervous because they might be pregnant. I thought about the fact that even when I have been anxious about my period starting and get a small glimmer of hope for a natural pregnancy it is quickly dashed by the negative sign on the pregnancy test. I sat in my bed and cried for the sadness that the thoughts brought on me. Just as fast as those thoughts come I have to push them away. I cannot live constantly questioning what God's plan is in my infertility. I cannot question why my body doesn't work the way it should sometimes. I have to pray when these times of self pity hit and ask God to help me accept his big picture, not to complain or despair because what I think would be best is not happening. I don't know if you've ever had the experience but as someone who has been through a hard time trying to conceive I hate taking pregnancy tests. Every time you see that negative test you are reminded of the fact that you are not normal. You are reminded of the fact that although others may have that surprise positive on the test it's not going to happen for you. I bought a pregnancy test at the Family Dollar in town so I could take it and call my doctor and let them know that I think my thyroid is whacked out again. It must be because my period is sooo late. I put the test in my bathroom and went to watch tv with Jeremy. As we were watching tv he asked me if I would take the test that night. I said no, I will wait until the morning. He said he wanted me to take it that night. Reluctantly I went to the bathroom like many times before and took the test. I knew what it would say. I knew the pain in my chest that would follow. I knew a little bout of self pity was on the way as well as worry for my cycle being messed up again. Within two or three seconds a cross appeared in the big window. Wait...I thought a cross meant...no way. This cannot be real. Yeah, the test was positive. I just had to laugh. I took the test straight out to Jeremy and showed it to him. He looked at me a little confused and then said "does this mean?" and I said "yeah, it's positive." I wanted to immediately tell someone. I couldn't even believe what I was seeing. We called my parents and then Jeremy's parents to tell them. When we hung up the phone we couldn't sleep, so we watched more tv. I just laid there in bed at night so happy, yet nervous, scared. We've never done this before. Yes, we've had a baby but it had so much anticipation leading up to it. So much preparation. This is definitely different. I wondered whether I would tell y'all right away or wait to see a doctor first but I realized if anything were to happen to the pregnancy I would need to talk about it on here anyways, so why not share the happy part with you? I have to admit I'm pretty scared of what happens after the delivery considering how sick I got with Jakob but I have to believe God  gave us this child and he will take care of us.  We've been through a lot together, you girls and me and I'm so glad to share this news with you. I am so thankful for my IF buddies who have wished me well and told me how happy they are for me. I think that's the hardest part to deal with right now is the guilt (I really am very happy, but it's a hard emotion to explain) that this great thing happened to me when there's so many women out there who cannot conceive. I don't actually know how far along I would be determined but I woke up this morning to a nauseous achy stomach. Cooking breakfast for my boys made me want to hurl. I remember these days :) 

Ready or not, here they come