Christmas With Infertility...not for the faint of heart

Here's a few pics of my Christmas decorations. I cannot even believe that Jeremy and I are celebrating our 5th Christmas as a married couple. Time has truly flown by. I finished up my shopping yesterday. I have to wrap those last two presents and then I can relax! (yeah right) Tonight is the Church Christmas party...they are always alot of fun. My dad always does this goofy little thing where he edits funny stuff that our preacher has said, along with a few preacher friends who come every year and makes a story about it. This year I was conned into doing a part. It will be funny. I'm sure everyone is wondering how I'm feeling... I'm feeling good today. Yesterday I felt kinda sick, and I was SUPER emotional. I cannot even put enough emphasis on SUPER. It wasn't even about the whole baby issue or anything like that, I can't even explain it to you. All I can say is I'm on alot of drugs right now, and not so in control of my emotions. Thankfully my family and friends are very understanding. I was reminded this morning while browsing through some other blogs of the pain that the Holidays bring to many women like myself. I'm not having the feelings right now, because I'm waiting. Hoping...but those are feelings you never forget. Last year was just awful for me. When you're struggling, and going through a hard time, you kinda encourage yourself with "next year this'll all be over" or "next year at this time we'll have a baby." As the Holidays come and go you gather together with family who has moved into the phase of starting their family, or expanding their already existing family and you feel the void in your own life even more. The pride and excitement that grandparents feel towards their grandchildren hurts your heart, you know they love the grandkids, but you wish you had children they could dote over too. Also, let's face it, with alot of parents, once they hit that grandparent plateau you are not really the focus anymore. Where does that leave those of us who cannot conceive? I know this is not really a "happy" topic, but it is nonetheless very real. I don't really know the answer to this dilemma. There's really nothing that can be done for those of us struggling with infertility. Maybe though, now that you are experiencing all the feelings through the eyes of someone who's been there (myself) you can understand more when a friend or family member who's trying to conceive has a hard time at Christmas, or any other time. Believe me, we beat ourselves up about these feelings all the time. Maybe just let them know that it's o.k. to be sad for what they don't have, and let them grieve. I have definitely learned that pushing feelings away does not help me, and therefore does not help anyone around me. Yes, we must fight feeling sorry for ourselves, and doubting Gods power, but to feel sad is natural. Look at Hannah, she cried and poured out her heart to God. In the times when we need The Lord the most, we want to question him and push him away. I pray for every woman out there struggling this Christmas, that God will give her grace and a peace in her heart that no man could ever put there. May we all in God's time and in his will receive that gift that we pray for at Christmas, and EVERY other day of our lives. Proverbs 13:12- Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life...