It's me again...

Well, I went to Pensacola today and had an ultra sound done. They didn't have to take blood, which makes my arm very happy :) They were just checking for the lining of the uterus (to make sure it is thin) and making sure that I didn't get any cysts from the hormones I've been taking. They said everything looked really good. I already have a good amount of little eggs beginning to develop. Saturday night I will begin taking the follistim which helps all the eggs to develop whereas normally only one would. So beginning saturday I will have a designated side of the tummy for each shot. (I am continuing the Lupron also) I go back to the doctor on Wednesday for another ultrasound. From here on out things will go very quickly!!!

No more pills... for now :)

Sunday night was the last night of my birth control pills!!! I was sooo happy. I haven't taken them in about 4 years (and don't have a need to obviously!) and you just don't realize how annoying they are. I only forgot to take them maybe twice and I never forgot a day, I just remembered later in the day to take them. I have also gone down on my dosage of Lupron. Both of these meds help to hold off my cycle. Once I cut down on the Lupron (last night was my second shot with less medication) I started having really bad cramps. They have continued all day today. I go to the doctor on Thursday and they will probablly tell me this is totally normal. (they usually do when I complain about cramping) The only thing I'm worried about would be a cyst on one of my ovaries. Let's just pray that that's not the case. I hope I can just get through this whole thing the first time and not have to cancel and try again. Anyways, like I said I see the Doc on thursday morning so I'll write and tell you what's going on then.

Second shot...

Okay, I'm not gonna write about each and every shot I give myself, but I have to say that it was a relief tonight when I opened a new needle and gave myself a shot and the needle went in painlessly. I don't know if I got a dull needle last night or what was going on. Last night I used one of the needles that came with the medication. Tonight I used a different set of needles (though they are exactly the same as the others.) Just thought I'd let everyone know that, since I was totally traumatized last night thinking that I had a whole 3 weeks of jabbing myself with a needle... (ouch!)

First shot!

Ok y'all. I did my first shot of Lupron tonight. All I can say is OUCH!!! I guess I just expected that it is a small needle and it would be a piece of cake like the follistim. Not quite. When I stuck the needle up to my skin it didn't just go right in, it met with resistance. You kinda have to just push or jab the needle in really hard because it's not going in easy. I had read people who said they had bruises all over their bellies from these shots, now I know why. Oh well. It's all part of the journey, and the funny part is, I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it. (even if I have to complain a little) I am such a wimp that it's almost comical that I'm giving myself all these shots! :) It's late and I'm tired. I'll write again soon. -me

The struggle of infertility

This is an article that I found on a blog about Infertility. I could not have written this any better, it's like this lady was reading my mind. Even though there's so much hope in my life right now there were many days of pain and great sorrow. I would like for everyone who follows my blog to take a few minutes and read this... I know it's long but it is so true. It will help to know these things and to pass it along to other people you know or may meet in the future.

Infertility is a painful, ugly, bitter struggle for women. It can leave them feeling “stripped” of their “rightful passage” of becoming a mother, as well as feeling empty, dark, un-whole, and like a failure. The treatments can be humiliating and uncomfortable, even painful. The mere sight of a young infant in a mother’s arms can set a woman with infertility into uncontrollable bouts of tears. It can come at any time – at a baby shower, a baby dedication, or the grocery store. Infertility is an “equal-opportunity” demon that can rip a woman’s life apart regardless of age, financial status, race, or faith. Just because you are a Christian, saved by grace, does not exclude you from the possibility of struggling with infertility, and you are not guaranteed a happy and large family. Infertility causes sorrow, self-doubt, bitterness, and brings unwanted grief into your life. If you allow it to, it can really harden your heart.

I acknowledge that each person's outcome to their journey of infertility is different, but we each have the same choices on how we can personally “handle” the journey and its outcome. We can either 1) hide our heads in the sand, choosing to ignore the issues, 2) become angry, bitter, resentful and blame God as we slowly harden our hearts towards him and walk away from him, or 3) we can run to God and seek his guidance, love, compassion, joy and peace, trusting all the while that he knows and understands what we are going through, that he has a plan for our lives, and that his ways are always the best way. And, whether he chooses to heal us here on earth, or heal us in heaven (in my case, he gave me a child here on earth, as well as a gaggle of them in heaven), we can find joy in our circumstances, although it may not come immediately.

So … what can you do or say when someone you know and love is struggling with infertility (whether it is primary or secondary)? You can love them. Wrap them in a hug, and tell them you are so sorry for the sorrow they are feeling. Offer to pray that God’s peace will rain down on them. Offer to be their prayer partner, and pray daily for them. Ask them how you can help. If they are fearful of the doctor appointments and their spouse can’t go with them, offer to be their “doctor’s office buddy.” If their spouse has to travel while they are scheduled for a round of injections, set aside any squeamish feelings you might have, and offer to help out with administering them (and take chocolate – you MUST take chocolate). And remember that your friend is on a LOT of different hormones, and emotions can easily do a “180” on them at any given moment. Don’t take it personally...

....Most importantly, show unconditional love – even when you don’t know what to say. Each gesture someone made, whether small or large showed me unconditional, and unquestioned love. THAT, my friends, is how you can minister to someone that is experiencing the agonizing pain and struggle of infertility.

What should you avoid saying? Well, there are many things I’ve heard that I found to be unbearably painful… for instance: “At least you know you can get pregnant.” Or, “you can try again” or, “well, at least you have another baby waiting for you in heaven” or, “maybe it is God’s will for you not to have children,” or even, “maybe something was wrong with that baby and it was God’s way of taking care of the problem.” Honestly? That did absolutely nothing to help me work through the raw pain, emotions, and anger I was dealing with. Take the old motto to heart: When in doubt, do without. In other words, keep your mouth shut, and don’t try to come up with profoundly witty and spiritual things to say. It just isn’t necessary.

I also found that many people would tell me that they understood how I was feeling; people with two, three children that would get pregnant if they so much as looked at their husbands sideways. Really? They understand how I was feeling? I can’t tell you how that would anger me. So try to avoid saying that unless you’ve really walked a mile in the person’s shoes (empathy being quite different than sympathy).

Finally, not everyone that struggles with infertility will be able to bear their own child, and it is a painful realization when they conclude that their battle is over and it is time to look at other options (adoption, foster parents, etc). Those are excellent options, and make them a complete and whole family just as if they had given birth, but a woman still mourns not being able to bear their one child. Just be there for them. Let them dissolve into a heap. Let them cry, let them scream, let them rage, and let them process. Then, pray with them. Pray that God will begin to heal their heart, bring peace to their heart, and teach them how to rejoice once again.

Partner with them in bringing their concerns to God ... before you know it ... A SENSE OF GOD'S WHOLENESS will come and SETTLE THEM DOWN. It may not be immediate, but if they trust in God, it will happen.

The Preston Pharmacy...

I got my shipment of drugs yesterday. My house once again is turning into a small pharmacy. I have to have a special section in my fridge where all the meds that must be refrigerated are kept. I was soooo happy when I opened the box and pulled out the receipt from the pharmacy. The girl who called me on the phone (the pharmacy is in Maine) told me the cost of the meds. When I saw the total of the medications they sent me it was about $350.00 more than what I had to pay. I guess some of the medications I got are dual purpose medications, so my insurance payed alot of the costs. One of my shots is normally $250.00 and I only had to pay $10.00. (thank you Lord!) God just keeps on showing that he's gonna help us through all this in special little ways. Linda had told me that she tells people to expect to pay about 2500-5,ooo dollars just on medication.When I start to feel overwhelmed (this process costs as much as a car) I just remember that God is in control and I just feel that he is gonna take care of me and Jeremy. When I get the confirmation that he is working things out, like not having to pay nearly as much for medications as i thought I just have to praise him and give him the glory. Thank you Lord for your blessings and provision! I start my shots of Lupron on Monday, and you know what's funny? I am soooo excited. I can't wait to start the shots because I know that this process of IVF has finally started! Thanks for all your love and prayers. God is good!

When you gotta go...

Well, Wednesday I went to the doctor for the trial run of in-vitro. My wonderful mother-in-law went with me. I was not nervous while I was at work, but when I left for the Dr.'s office at 12:00 I started feeling really nervous, and kind of like I was gonna throw up. The unknown is always the hardest. Now, I have to set this all up. On the way to Pensacola it was raining off and on. I told my mother-in-law that we were having trouble in the mornings forgetting to turn off the lights in the car. I said "try to remind me to turn off the lights. "The alarm that is supposed to beep to tell you that the lights are still on does not work in our car." So anyways we showed up to the doctors office and of course I'm so happy to be there and finally to get this over with that I totally forgot about the lights being on. They called me back to the exam room and it was basically them just telling me that it won't hurt and blah blah blah. The doctor inserted a catheter into my uterus while the ultra sound tech held the ultrasound on my stomach. (of course these things Must be done while the bladder is full) The doctor was actually looking at how big my uterus was and measuring it front to back. When they put the embryos in they don't want them hitting the back of the uterus. Next they took a camera on the end of a catheter and actually put it into my uterus. It was very strange. The picture was in full color and I actually saw my fellopian tubes and the inside of the uterus and all that. It was kinda funny cause the doctor is explaining everything and what it is and I'm just sitting there thinking about how bad I need to use the bathroom. When he finished he just sat there and said, "so do you have any questions?" and I said "no I need to pee!" and he laughed and said "you didn't care one bit about what I was saying did you?" and I didn't, when you gotta go you gotta go. So that appointment went well. It was almost painless. When they put the camera in they have to squirt salt water to clear the way and that caused some cramping, but other than that it went very well. Once we went to leave of course I had left my lights on so my car wouldn't start. Linda and an intern doctor helped me and my mother-in-law push the car out and jump it. It was quite an eventful day. Today we went and they taught Jeremy how to give me shots. We also were tested for infectious diseases. I got a list of all the meds I will be taking and when and how much I will take. It's kind of overwhelming to see them all. After the IVF if we do get pregnant there are 4 medications I will be on until the 10th week of pregnancy. I'll write more about that later. Anyways, everything's done until the 22nd of September when I start the Lupron shots. I'm sure I'll be writing again before then.

Our trial run

Tomorrow is the trial run for the in-vitro. They use the small tube that will hold our little embryos and make sure that they can get them where they need to be smoothly. (I don't exactly know how or what all they're doing but I'm sure I'll be able to write about it later). I am getting more excited as time goes by and we start each new phase. God has just blessed us with so much, I cannot thank him enough. It's late, and I'm tired so I'll write more soon and let you know how it went.

The reality of it all

I really wanted this blog to document what I'm going through in this process. I also wanted my close friends to be able to read what I'm going through and kind of understand where I'm at in my life. I know that sometimes that it is not going to be a pretty picture. I know that I am trying to stay close to the Lord and not question what is going on. I also know that more than anything I don't want to be a hypocrite. I am human too and sometimes I do question. Yesterday was a very low day for me. (I don't write this for sympathy, I just want you ladies to know the reality of it all). I am waiting on my monthly cycle to start all my medications. I have the appointment for the trial transfer on Wednesday. The longer it takes to start my cycle the more stress and problems it creates for me. I was trying to just stay busy yesterday and not think about it (it was day 32 of my cycle) My period should have come 3 or 4 days ago. Then Linda called...to check on me because I should have already started. When my doctors office calls to check that makes me go into ultra panic mode. I just hoped that she'd say "it's ok, if you don't start by Monday we'll give you Provera (which is a pill to make you start). She didn't say that. She said "call me back Monday and if you haven't started we'll talk to Dr. Ripps and see what he wants you to do. As soon as I hung up the phone I just broke down. It figures that I start my period regularly before every pregnancy test, but when it's most important I can't start. Also, I'm gonna just have to get on my high horse right now and tell you the other thing that upset me so much yesterday. Sarah Palin is John McCain's running mate for president. They just announced that her 17 year old daughter is pregnant. I know that kind of stuff happens. What really bothers me is Mrs. Palin stressing the fact that she disagrees with abortion (which believing that itself is a good thing) but the fact that she keeps acting like her daughter is doing such a great thing by keeping the baby. If the girl can take care of the baby (financially, physically, emotionally) then she should do it. People shouldn't think that they are somehow hero's or doing the morally right thing keeping a baby just because their child got pregnant. There are alot of couples in the U.S. who are just like Jeremy and I. Who for some reason God has chosen not to give us children the natural way, but who can afford to love, care for and appreciate these children. It just bothers me that people sometimes look at these pregnancies like they are their "burdens to accept". If you cannot take care of a child because of age or maybe even other issues give someone else the blessing of having a child who may not be able to have one any other way. I am not specifically talking about Mrs. Palins daughter, that situation has just brought the whole issue to the forefront of people's minds (including mine). So now you know a little of the ugly side of this situation. You have to accept your life the way it turned out and just believe God has a plan and a way that is better. Sometimes that is not easy. I know we all want to just be strong and believe God through it all, but sometimes we are just human, and we fall. I did start my period this morning, which means I can start my meds tomorrow. That is also the reason why I feel now like I can talk about yesterday. Please keep me in your prayers, some times I can deal with things and other times they're just very hard. I hope that I make it out of this with a good testimony and can be a help to someone else that the Lord works all things for our good. Knowing my friends are there for me through it all no matter what really helps. Thanks for your support.

I need a little pampering!!!

Hey y'all, I figured since I've been writing about Jenny's pampered chef parties I might as well tell on myself. Last night I was fixing dinner (making a salad actually- yay me!) and I was using those really awesome really sharp little paring knives from pampered chef. My mom bought me a few from one of the parties. Well, let me tell you those things are really sharp. I guess I didn't get my finger out of the way in time and I sliced off the tip of my right thumb! It didn't hurt at first, because the knife was so sharp, once it started bleeding then it started throbbing. I didn't go to the doctor because it was a clean cut and a clean knife. There is a cavern in the top of my thumb though. Jeremy has assured me that he's had "WAY WORSE" cuts than this before and they've turned out just fine. -I'm so glad God didn't make men the heart of the home!- I covered it last night and put pressure on it to stop the bleeding so I didn't actually look at it till today and it is really gross. Anyways, I am the one who has cut my finger(s) more than a few times. I cut this same thumb with a razor blade when I was cutting hair and had to get 4 stitches put in it. Oh well. I know this will probably be back to haunt me sometime... Like at the christmas party, but that's ok. Until then I'm gonna have to think of a really interesting and amazing reason as to why my thumbs all bandaged up.... :)