What's going on with me...

So...my baby boy is fast asleep in bed, my hubby is outta town for a couple days. It feels really weird to be sitting here alone. I don't really like it. It does however give me a little time to think, and then blog. I have so many times where there's something I want to blog about but whenever I sit down Jakob comes to me and I get right back up and leave. When Jakob naps I work, trying to get everything around the house done, so usually there's not much time for blogging then. I am enjoying the age Jakob is at so much lately. He loves to read (which can be a little much at times!). He will bring me book after book after book to read to him. He brings me the book, places it in my hand (if my hand is shut he will open it himself) and then turns around and plops down in my lap. Sometimes he wants to turn the pages himself, so we don't get to read every page, or even a whole page. I try to encourage his reading, even if that means reading 50 books in one sitting. I am glad he enjoys books. Every morning when Jakey gets up I take him to sit on his potty. He was doing really well with going pee-pee every morning on the potty, but the last couple mornings he hasn't. I pretty much quit taking him potty every hour during the day because I just don't think he's ready to potty train yet. I will continue the every morning though. When he gets up of his potty chair he always looks in the bowl to see if there's any pee in there :) Jakob has also just discovered how much fun it is to run around the yard barefoot. During the last month or so I would take him outside every day and he would fuss and want me to hold him. Now (that it's 83 degrees and humid) he goes to the screen door and waits for me to open it. He just runs around for 30 minutes and I follow behind him. Jakob has also noticed things in the sky. When birds fly by he points at them and smiles. The other day he even said bird (I still don't think he knows how he did it though).

Whenever he hears an airplane (there's a small private airport near our house) he stops whatever he's doing and looks all over the sky to see where it is. 18 months is a great age. My son brings me so much joy.

Now I'm going to change subjects and talk about myself for a few minutes. Here's a little background:

Our church has a million little kids in it. Most of the girls my age are on their 3rd or 4th children. We have so many baby-3 year olds that we are building a new nursery. That is a good thing. I already love every child in that nursery, they are all special. I had nursery on Sunday and I think we had about 30 children. 5  or 6 of them were little babies. We need nursery space. Sunday night they had a little dedication for the property the building will be built on. The Pastor was talking about the blessing of children and how proud and happy they were that there was a need for a new nursery. Any time someone talks about the blessing of children I agree, but it also brings up feelings and questions that I know cannot be answered in this lifetime. I always wonder if anyone else realizes that not everyone can have children easily, if at all. I wonder if there's anyone around me who's going through what I went through. I have not been very forthcoming about our IVF at this church. At Harvest I had no problem telling people how Jakob came in to our lives...but at Harvest one of the first girls I met was pregnant with triplets. I knew instantly that there was someone who had felt what I felt. She was just like me. Here at GRBC there is not a married girl my age (or even older) who does not have a few children. I look around and there are just babies everywhere. If a girl in my Sunday school class does not have a small child then she is pregnant with one. I am not saying I want more children to keep up with everyone else. I'm saying I feel like I'm the only one in my situation. It feels very lonely sometimes thinking no one really understands what I've been through. Most of the time it's not a problem. When people don't know you very well they just assume you're not ready for another baby yet. On Sunday night after the dedication people were standing around talking and Jakob ran by some ladies and they said something about "maybe you'll be next" and that old familiar pain hit me. I just smiled. I know that people don't know what I've been through. I know they just assume that every woman can have a child, but that doesn't make my situation any less hard. The funny part is I don't even think I want a baby right now. The feelings I am having are not from desiring to have another child. They are just there. I am reminded of infertility every time someone tells me "I'm next" or asks if I've been sick because I might be pregnant. When I think of IF right now it makes me very emotional. I don't know if it's because I'm surrounded by extremely fertile (lol) people or what, but I cannot even fathom sharing these feelings with the people in my new church. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to deal with this. So I just pray, and try to hold back the tears and the emotion. I am not an emotional basket case, I don't want you to think I walk around church all the time on the verge of a break down, it's not like that, but recently it's been easier to just not think about IF. Jeremy reminds me that people don't mean any harm, and I know that. I just don't understand why I feel so...I guess I don't exactly understand what I'm feeling. If you would, whenever you think of me, say a little prayer for me. I don't really know what I need, I just need a prayer. When you have a baby you feel like these feelings will be gone, but they don't go away. They are masked by the happiness you experience. IF is a reality in my life and always will be. I need God's help to accept and embrace that fact.