The end before the beginning...

So me and Amber were talking the other day about how I will read the end of a book to make sure I like the ending before I commit myself to reading the whole thing. It's weird, I know. If you know me very well at all you will know I like reality tv. Not like the sleazy kind, but I love Survivor, Amazing Race, etc. Even with television I will read spoilers and I'd rather know who got kicked off the show before I watch it happen. I guess the reason why I am so freakishly strange about knowing the endings is because I get emotionally invested in a book. I know it's not a real situation/person, but when you read it it seems like it is. Tv shows are kind of the same way. I get so nervous watching Survivor even when I know my favorite person is about to be booted off. Lately I've been wishing that my life was a book, so I could flip to the back and see how the story goes. As most of you know we've heard through the grape vine about a job that might be opening back home at the end of the year. We're really hoping that Jeremy could get the job and we could move back to our old house and all that stuff. If we didn't get the job back home then we are probably going to be looking into moving closer to Fort Myers and where everyone we know lives. We'd really like to get settled somewhere so we can try to have another baby. See, that's the part I'd like to sneak a peek in the back of the book and find out. I was thinking the other day about having another baby, and we've pretty much decided whether we move or stay we'd like to try for baby number two (the beginning of) next year. Being back home there's no hesitation with trying to get pregnant again. I know that our families will be there to support us and they've been through the stress and emotional turmoil with us once before. Not that I think it'd be a cake walk, but I would be all for it. Thinking about remaining here and doing IVF without the support of family nearby, and remembering how hard this whole process is on us (not physically, but emotionally) I get really nervous. I told Jeremy the other day I wish we could just know if the IVF will work or not. As long as we are not actively trying to have a baby there's all these questions in my mind. Will we be able to have another child? Are any of our remaining embryos going to be healthy enough to result in a pregnancy? There's so many unknowns. If I knew the outcome (whether good or bad) I could prepare myself to handle anything that would happen. The hard part is not knowing. I know there's still a good 6 months or more until we would be ready to start the whole IVF process but I still wonder if there will be anyone here I can lean on if/when times get tough. I can just remember days of crying while going through infertility, and I don't want to go through that again, but it's the only way to have the hope of another child. There was a comfort in sharing what I was going through the first time around, but I was sharing with friends I'd had my whole life. Church family was as close as my blood family so I knew that when I had days of crying and I couldn't explain people understood. I have met someone at my church here that has struggled with IF and PCOS but she has decided that it's not God's will for her to be a parent. We can talk now,and empathize with each other's feelings on IF but I don't know that I can share this (IVF) journey with her, I don't know if she will understand or be able to handle listening to what I'm going through.The thought of opening  up such a raw area of my heart to brand new people is daunting to me.I know I need to trust God, but that does not remove the emotional aspect of infertility and trying to get pregnant again. Anyways, that's just some of the thoughts going through my head. Now you know why I like to read the end of the story right from the beginning :) Sometimes it's easier to handle defeat, rejection or pain when you know it's coming. I know that if God let me read my life story before hand I'd never learn to trust him. I'd never grow into the person He would want me to be. Every time these questions pop up I'm just reminded to pray and ask that when the time comes I will trust no matter what. I know one day I will look back on my life and I will know the ending to my story but for now I just have to wait...