It's good to remember...

It's funny how women always tell you that once you conceive your child all the heartache and pain of infertility is just forgotten. I read that on many blogs, and I've known a few people who I thought would be able to sympathize with me because they've been through the same feelings and emotions and yet, they seemingly have forgotten what it was like. As I progress in this pregnancy sometimes I just feel like my struggle was lifetimes away. Other times I feel as though it was just yesterday. When I read about women who are trying and longing for a baby I recognize all the feelings that they are having, and I remember it was not too long ago I was having the same feelings. When I'm sitting around at work, or at home, and I feel this little flutter in my stomach, something no one else can know about but me, a secret between me and my little one I feel like I've been pregnant, or had this little baby forever. All my life I wanted to be a mother, there was never any question about that. I never wanted to be a career woman, my career was to raise children who were loving and caring and grew up to know and serve the Lord. In my heart I've always been a mom, I've just been waiting around for a physical child. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that God has given us this miracle. My mom would always encourage me in saying "when you have a baby you will know it is THE baby God meant for you to have, and it will be the right time, you'll know it." I used to just kinda roll my eyes in my heart and agree with her, thinking that she really had no idea what I was going through. She really didn't know, but God gave her the words when I needed them. I needed someone who loved me unconditionally to tell me when I was feeling sorry for myself, or when I needed to give my hurt and frustration over to the Lord. Now, looking back, I don't believe that I'd change my journey at all. Yes, it has been heartbreaking at times. I don't believe that there is a more innate desire, or a more God given desire than the desire to be a mother. My story, from beginning till now took about 3 years, but my desire for a child has been life long. To some 3 years may sound like nothing, and I recognize that some women wait 10 years, or more, but to me in my situation it seemed like forever. You have so many thoughts and feelings, and infertility never leaves your mind. You may not talk about it all the time, but you're constantly thinking about it. Through all of this, I've had to learn to lean on God. I'm not saying I always trusted him like I should, I'm human, and it's impossible to do so. I did come to the place though, where I realized God is in control. His ways are not our ways, neither are our thoughts his thoughts. God knew what he was working in my life, even though I didn't understand. I came to know God in a more intimate way. He was not only the God who did great things for my friends, and people I hear about, but he is the God that did a great thing in my life. A great thing that no one, not even the greatest, most skilled doctor in the world could do for me. My relationship with my husband has been strengthened also. There's been many nights that Jeremy just sat with me as I cried, and asked why, and wondered at the way my life had turned out. He started out very nervous about having a child. It is a great responsibility to take on. If we hadn't had our problems getting pregnant, I don't think he ever would have felt truly ready to have a baby. Now, he's just so excited, we are so happy to have a little person who is part me and part him. This child will not be the center of our marriage. Our love is the center of our marriage, and it has kept us through a lot of tough times. This child will be a result of our love. Alot of sacrifice on both our parts has gone into conceiving this child, and I hope we don't ever take for granted what God has given us. I want to make sure to always take time to look back, to remember. I don't want to forget the pain of infertility, because I know God will use it in my life in some way, and I want to be available for His use. I know that waiting is hard, in any situation, not just in infertility, but we have to remember that God has a plan. It's hard to let go of the reins and just let God have control, but we need to remember that his way is best. (go ahead and roll your eyes, but later you will do just as I have done and look back and agree) :) Thank-you God for all you've done in my life, and for being with me each step of the way!